The Third Insurrection

Close your eyes, rub them six times with your right and left index fingers, and utter an incantation I will whisper to you. You now have a pitchfork in your hand, a scabby red tail, and unimaginably bad breath. Yes, you have morphed into Satan the Antichrist. Sadly, your first two insurrections failed miserably, landing you in the depths of Hell. But really, don't you want to try again? To usurp God and replace the Republic of Heaven with the Monarchy of Hell? After eons probing God's chink...