Conflicted: How Productive Disagreements Lead to Better Outcomes

by Ian Leslie

Overview

Drawing on advice from the world’s leading experts on conflict and communication—from relationship scientists to hostage negotiators to diplomats—Ian Leslie, a columnist for the New Statesman, shows us how to transform the heat of conflict, disagreement and argument into the light of insight, creativity and connection, in a book with vital lessons for the home, workplace, and public arena.

For most people, conflict triggers a fight or flight response. Disagreeing productively is a hard skill for which neither evolution or society has equipped us. It’s a skill we urgently need to acquire; otherwise, our increasingly vociferous disagreements are destined to tear us apart. Productive disagreement is a way of thinking, perhaps the best one we have. It makes us smarter and more creative, and it can even bring us closer together. It’s critical to the success of any shared enterprise, from a marriage, to a business, to a democracy. Isn’t it time we gave more thought to how to do it well?

In an increasingly polarized world, our only chance for coming together and moving forward is to learn from those who have mastered the art and science of disagreement. In this book, we’ll learn from experts who are highly skilled at getting the most out of highly charged encounters: interrogators, cops, divorce mediators, therapists, diplomats, psychologists. These professionals know how to get something valuable – information, insight, ideas—from the toughest, most antagonistic conversations. They are brilliant communicators: masters at shaping the conversation beneath the conversation. They know how to turn the heat of conflict into the light of creativity, connection, and insight. 

In this much-need book, Ian Leslie explores what happens to us when we argue, why disagreement makes us stressed, and why we get angry. He explains why we urgently need to transform the way we think about conflict and how having better disagreements can make us more successful. By drawing together the lessons he learns from different experts, he proposes a series of clear principles that we can all use to make our most difficult dialogues more productive—and our increasingly acrimonious world a better place.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780062878564
Publisher:	HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date:	02/23/2021
Pages:	304
Sales rank:	303,181
Product dimensions:	6.00(w) x 9.30(h) x 1.30(d)

About the Author

Ian Leslie is the author of two acclaimed books on human behaviour: Born Liars: Why We Can’t Live Without Deceit and Curious: The Desire to Know and Why Your Future Depends On It (“Rich with insight and answers”, San Francisco Book Review). He is a regular contributor to the New Statesman, the Economist/1843,  the Guardian, and the Financial Times.

Table of Contents

Prologue: The Interview 1

Part 1 Why We Need New Ways to Argue

1 Beyond Fight or Flight 9

2 How Conflict Brings Us Closer 24

3 How Conflict Makes Us Smarter 46

4 How Conflict Inspires Us 70

Part 2 Rules of Productive Argument

5 First, Connect 87

6 Let Go of the Rope 105

7 Give Face 124

8 Check Your Weirdness 141

9 Get Curious 163

10 Make Wrong Strong 172

11 Disrupt the Script 184

12 Share Constraints 199

13 Only Get Mad on Purpose 209

14 Golden Rule: Be Real 223

Part 3 Staying in the Room

15 The Infinite Game 231

16 Rules of Productive Argument Summarised 250

17 Toolkit of Productive Argument 252

Acknowledgements 258

Notes 261

Bibliography 267

Index 276

Editorial Reviews

11/23/2020

Journalist Leslie (Born Liars: Why We Can’t Live Without Deceit) sheds light on disagreement in this encouraging take on the reasons communication tends to break down in conflict. Arguments often go poorly, Leslie writes, due to the high emotions at play: conflict is “nearly always entangled with how we feel about each other.” He studies professionals who manage “high-stakes adversarial conversations,” such as therapists and hostage negotiators, and examines the way power and status impact emotional response: an attack, for instance, is a way of “asserting status.” He also surveys how cultural differences can impact disagreements, drawing on the standoff between the FBI and the religious Branch Davidians in 1993: the FBI could not “see its own culture” in contrast to the Davidians, who believed their leader was chosen by God; this “failure of imagination” meant they could not negotiate effectively. On the advice front, Leslie teaches readers how to spot artificial rage inflation on social media and establish a relationship of trust in which disagreements can be fruitful, and makes a case for civility as a mean to grease the wheels of a conversation. Leslie succeeds in framing disagreements as a source of creativity with the potential to deepen interpersonal understanding. The result is a thoughtful, thought-provoking guide to getting along even when doing so might seem impossible. Agent: Toby Mundy, TMA. (Feb.)

Publishers Weekly

Conflicted is not merely fascinating; it’s also important. It’s the right book at the right time, and Ian Leslie is clearly the right author for the job. If you encounter ideas that make you squirm—and you probably will—remember, that’s part of the point.”
— David Epstein, bestselling author of Range

“Conflicted is a fascinating deep dive into disagreement: how it goes wrong and how it can go right. Its powerful insights are wrapped in gripping stories. Read this book. It could not be more timely.”
— Harlan Coben

“A thoughtful, thought-provoking guide to getting along, even when doing so might seem impossible.”
— Publishers Weekly

“For anyone interested in having meaningful, collaborative conversations with successful outcomes. The contents are a wealth of guidance for even seasoned professionals in the field of conflict management… Recommend for anyone.” — Library Journal

Ian Leslie is one of our most brilliant science writers, and Conflicted is his best yet. It's full of wisdom and surprise and is exactly what we need in a world where disagreement itself feels like it's coming under threat. — Will Storr, author of Selfie and The Science of Storytelling

From the Publisher

Conflicted is a fascinating deep dive into disagreement: how it goes wrong and how it can go right. Its powerful insights are wrapped in gripping stories. Read this book. It could not be more timely.”

Harlan Coben

Ian Leslie is one of our most brilliant science writers, and Conflicted is his best yet. It's full of wisdom and surprise and is exactly what we need in a world where disagreement itself feels like it's coming under threat.

author of Selfie and The Science of Storytell Will Storr

Conflicted is not merely fascinating; it’s also important. It’s the right book at the right time, and Ian Leslie is clearly the right author for the job. If you encounter ideas that make you squirm—and you probably will—remember, that’s part of the point.”

David Epstein

12/18/2020

Can conflict draw people together? According to Leslie (Curious: The Desire To Know and Why Your Future Depends on It), conflict can create positive energy among members of the parties involved or individuals expressing their own ideas. Leslie demonstrates various approaches through easy-to-follow diagrams and real-life examples. The prologue is interesting. Chapters are a bit lengthy as they are filled with enough information to make readers want to pause and take note. The book is not only useful for business buffs, but for anyone interested in having meaningful, collaborative conversations with successful outcomes. The contents are a wealth of guidance for even seasoned professionals in the field of conflict management. The toolkit for productive argument is a major highlight of this book, but the examples can be lengthy and may take the reader a little off track. VERDICT Recommend for anyone, as readers do not have to be in the field of conflict management to enjoy this book. For fans of Robert Hunt's Mastering Confrontation: Become an Expert at Effective Communication. Master the Art of Dealing with Conflict.—Adesh Rampat, Miami

Library Journal

Narrator Matthew Lloyd Davies does a lovely job performing this array of stories, research, and expert advice on how productive disagreements can lead to better outcomes. At first, the polish of his British accent and his obvious delight with the material seem mismatched, but that soon becomes a nonissue. With his engagement and sincerity never in doubt, his performance illuminates the optimistic writing. Ian Leslie sees conflict as a manageable feature of healthy personal and institutional interactions. He makes a useful distinction between conflicts of opinion and unhealthy disrespect between individuals or teams of people. As one example, he points to music groups like the Beatles, who succeeded, he says, because they accepted one another enough to feel comfortable disagreeing, thus leading to better decisions. T.W. © AudioFile 2021, Portland, Maine

MAY 2021 - AudioFile

Narrator Matthew Lloyd Davies does a lovely job performing this array of stories, research, and expert advice on how productive disagreements can lead to better outcomes. At first, the polish of his British accent and his obvious delight with the material seem mismatched, but that soon becomes a nonissue. With his engagement and sincerity never in doubt, his performance illuminates the optimistic writing. Ian Leslie sees conflict as a manageable feature of healthy personal and institutional interactions. He makes a useful distinction between conflicts of opinion and unhealthy disrespect between individuals or teams of people. As one example, he points to music groups like the Beatles, who succeeded, he says, because they accepted one another enough to feel comfortable disagreeing, thus leading to better decisions. T.W. © AudioFile 2021, Portland, Maine

MAY 2021 - AudioFile