Depression: Moving from Darkness to Light

Depression: Moving from Darkness to Light

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Overview

Depression-I have experienced and battled it for most of my life. I have fought hard, done many things, talked to countless doctors, and prayed many nights to overcome this disease. This book is a written and pictorial look into my journey of moving from darkness to light. The writings in this book are the real thoughts and feelings that lived inside of me during my struggle. With the help of the brilliant photographer David Heitur, I tried to express my inside feelings outward through the lens of his camera. I felt that it was important to tell my story with as much honesty as possible. This was a hard project for me because I had to tap into the depths of despair that I felt when I was drowning in a sea of darkness. It has been a long time since I have felt those feelings, and I pray that I never feel them again. Mental illness is a disease that so many people suffer from. Suicide has become an overwhelming epidemic in this country, and people need to be aware of the importance of getting help. My hope is that my story will touch someone's heart who is either suffering or knows someone who suffers from mental illness. If you are suffering, please reach out for help. If just one person finds strength and hope from this book, all of my suffering will have been worth it.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781546253457
Publisher: AuthorHouse
Publication date: 08/07/2018
Pages: 38
Sales rank: 809,232
Product dimensions: 8.50(w) x 8.50(h) x 0.10(d)

About the Author

Emmy Kavanagh was born in Wilmington, DE on July 24, 1976. Her mother and father have been happily married since September 11, 1970 and Emmy is the youngest of their three beautiful children. She graduated from Wilmington High School in 1994. After graduating high school, she moved to San Diego, CA where she lived for one year. She left San Diego and moved back to Wilmington where she currently resides. Emmy works in the corporate banking industry and has been employed with the same company since January 25, 1999. Writing has been an outlet for her throughout her life. Her inspiration often comes sudden, through people, nature and her internal emotions at that time. She has battled depression and alcoholism for most of her life but has found hope and peace within. Through various channels she has established a love for herself and other people that she never knew existed. It is because of this love, she has decided to share this very personal story.

Read an Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

Darkness

This is the real me. ...

My mind is tired Spinning around in circles Around and around with no end in site I just can't break the cycle When someone speaks, I hear no words It's like I don't care enough to retain their thoughts and feelings My ability to focus on one thing at a time is impossible I think and think and think. ...
What is wrong with me?
It's like I have checked out of life No motivation or desires I'm walking around in a fog that can't be lifted I am oblivious I can't think I'm so clouded I am lacking self confidence I can't make decisions The voices in my head are so loud. ...
You're stupid, ugly, unlovable, unlikable, unworthy of happiness, a waste of space It NEVER ends I hide some of these feelings because I feel like people will judge me I lie even to you I can't articulate where I am mentally When I laugh, it is fake I can't see the humor in anything My smiles are empty I have no energy I can't keep up on any relationships I can't hold a meaningful conversation I'm empty No words to speak I feel like I have no personality I don't know who I am I never did I'm so taken over by these awful, hurtful thoughts in my head I don't know how to stop the tapes and replace them with positive thoughts It feels like it is impossible I'm so sad I'm finally getting it out This is the real me



Tortured Soul

I am so tired Beaten Tattered Torn My soul aches My heart bleeds Everything that I believed in is gone I have wept over I have begged for I have craved for Worth Love Devotion I give those things I give some more In hopes to one day deserve the same in return I wait Why don't I deserve it?
I don't know I wait What have I done that is so bad that I should be punished?
I don't know I wait I want to be worthy Please I drop to my knees I beg I plead Nothing. ...
Empty

Plead Nothing. ...
When does it end?
Never Recycled souls A continuation of punishment and solitude I should find another damaged soul Or maybe Just maybe I can find peace in something else Something I can count on Something that listens Something that soothes me Something that causes that burn That pain That good kind of pain The kind that makes you feel worthy of it The kind that helps you see in the darkness That one little corner you never saw before My core she says. ...
My core is a tortured soul One that soars through the darkness like they are clouds Do you know how I feel?
I think you do I think you know exactly how I feel Tortured soul Tortured soul mate You do don't you?
Sunshine and butterflies They bring you peace

Cold Alone Darkness That is who I am That is who I have always been That is who I will always be Is it true?
Recycled souls Chosen paths I did this???
I must hate myself more than I thought All of my life Since I remember I have felt such a loneliness deep within Why???
I am so tired Tired of thinking Tired of feeling I give up I give in I've got nothing left to give Why???
Nobody will give it back Why???
I don't deserve it Work Fight Stress Beg Cry I think you feel rain clouds Yea. ...
Rain clouds and vultures Tortured soul Tortured soul mate Where are you?
Hiding?
Hiding in that deep, dark corner I know baby I can find you Can you find me?



God. ... Where are you?

I don't know what is wrong with me I don't know why I feel so sad all of the time I don't know why I feel like I hold no value I feel worthless and purposeless I don't know why Half of my feelings, I can't even articulate I asked God to take me How do I make this stop?
All of these thoughts of sadness, hate, anger and rage I just want to go away Far away from it all I feel like nothing can make me happy I just want to cry My tears fall and burn my hands They leave tracks on my cheeks They leave marks on my soul I just want it to go away I feel so alone in this world of people I'm sick of the violence I'm sick of the ignorance I'm sick of the prejudice I'm sick of my heavy heart God. ...why won't you help me Why won't you lift these feelings from my mind, heart and soul?
Can't you stop these tears from falling?
Can't you dry my eyes?
Sometimes when I sit by the water I see the beauty of your creations I try to remember the good days, however few there are I surrender to you and feel no change I surrender to you and see no results I just want peace If you are the almighty Savior If you are the one that has all power If you are the one that has all love Where is it?
Make all of the pain go away Make it stop Love me Lift me up Fill me with your love and peace I'm begging you. ...
HELP I'm begging you. ...
Let me love myself I'm begging you. ...
Let me see the light Help me through the tunnel and over the hill Let me see the peace on the other side Let me see the light on the other side Let me feel you on the other side Let me feel grace, beauty and love Let me be free Please, just let me be free

But, I can't My thoughts always return to all of the pain My heart aches My soul aches My brain aches I'm tired of the thoughts I'm tired of the feelings I'm tired of life I listen to happy music. ... still sad I listen to happy music. ... still enraged I pretend I'm happy I lie to everyone I want to be happy But happiness in others makes me angry I just want it to stop I want the voices to shut up I want them to stop whispering poison into my thoughts I want them to stop injecting poison into my body I feel like it is flowing through my veins Just waiting to kill me Just take me before the poison sets in Another holiday alone They say I'm never alone He is always present Why can't I feel you?
Why won't you talk to me?
Can't you feel my pain?
Can't you hear my cries?
Can't you see my tears?
I try so hard to be strong but I feel so weak



The Water

When will the hurting stop I feel like I am burning alive under my flesh, in my heart and soul The flames are so big, so hot and so fierce Even the ocean can't extinguish them The light from the flames glow through my eyes like embers through the air No one sees them They must be invisible, like me Someone call the fire department Someone throw a glass of water on it Someone smother it Someone do something Anything to stop the burning pain inside me Do you think someone can fill these holes in my heart with purpose, love and hope?
I don't I am all alone in this world of pain, self-hatred and sadness I am all alone to sit in my anger and rage Sometimes, I wish it would end Sometimes I wish I could end it myself Sometimes I wish I would never wake up Beauty and Grace never seem to find me They lurk in the shadows of the unreachable happiness The burdens and weight upon my back are unbearable The heaviness in my heart is too much for me to carry The willingness to fight for happiness and peace is slowly floating away with the waves Maybe I should float away with the waves

Maybe the sea will fill my lungs with salt water My lungs will begin to fill with the very ocean that can't extinguish my flames Don't drink the water they say I have to How else will I end the pain?
How else will I end this loneliness?
Please Emmy. ...
Drink the water



Alone Alone again No wife to have Alone again No love to give Alone again Heart shattered Alone again No arms around me Alone again No one to tell me it's ok Alone again More voices in my head Alone again No way to quiet them down Alone again Who gives a fuck Alone again Suffer in silence Alone again Feel the pain Alone again Not worthy of love Alone again Yup, alone again As usual Alone again What the fuck do you expect!

CHAPTER 2

L;GHT

A new Journey

There is something about water that brings me peace It's one of the few things that looks beautiful all of the time At night, the way the moon dances across the peaceful,
calm bay It takes my breath away On a hot, sunny day The way the sun glistens against the rough ocean waves It gives me the overwhelming need for a long peaceful exhale One that cleanses your soul On that warm spring day When it just begins to sprinkle The raindrops bounce around the shiny pond water It brings this smile across my face One that is contagious And my favorite On that chilly, fall day When I walk along that cute, rocky creek Weaving through the woods Orange and yellow leaves drop from the trees They float along on their new journey I want a new journey One filled with laughter Smiles Passion Safety Love Peace I'm tired of where I have been Darkness Sadness Worthlessness Pain I don't want that anymore I don't know any different I don't know happy And I certainly don't know how to get there I don't think it will be easy I don't think it will always be fun I don't think the road will be smooth Or straight for that matter I don't think it will be a quick journey But it's one that I want to take Yes. ...
A new journey



My Hope for You

I know all you see is darkness I know all your heart feels is loneliness I know all your soul feels is emptiness I know all you hear is the echo of your silent screams I know you feel like there is no end to these feelings That life isn't worth living That nobody cares That nobody will miss you That all you will see is grey for the rest of your life Please. ...
DON'T GIVE UP There is light in this world You will feel whole again You will feel happy again People love you You will see in color again Stay strong You are beautiful Walk with your head held high Tell someone your struggle Open your heart just a little bit Trust in someone Let them hug you Let them love you Know that there is someone in this world Who is struggling like you Know that there is someone in this world That knows your pain I know your pain The struggle was real for me It was painful I felt all of those feelings that you do now But. ...
I asked for help and found it It took a long time to get it right It took a long time to work through the changes But it worked I smile today I hear birds singing I smell flowers I see butterflies Fighting through all of the pain All of the darkness All of the loneliness All of the emptiness Was worth the peace I feel now You are worth fighting for You are loved Please have faith A Power greater than you is present That Power will help you get through this That Power will give you the strength To overcome your battle You will conquer this Please. ...
Stay strong This is my hope for you



After the Darkness

My soul feels whole again My heart feels complete My head is quiet I am at peace I smile I laugh I love deeply I speak clearly I see beauty I hear music I feel content I wake up grateful I sleep soundly I hug tighter I embrace life I embrace joy I finally feel the warmth I finally see the light My life is beautiful This is what lies. ...
After the darkness



My Savior

With the wind at my back, I shall escape my resistance With the sun warming my face, I shall feel no chills I can use the rays of your light to illuminate my path With your guidance, I will persevere With your love, I will overcome adversity Your creations make life beautiful, I will care for them Your comfort can bring me peace With your understanding, I can be a better woman With your grace, I can love again With your almighty power, I can forgive I am standing tall in your presence I can feel your touch embrace me I know you are in my heart and a part of my soul I will turn my will and life over to your care My Almighty, with your patience, I will embrace life again I will feel the love, joy and sadness that life brings I know you will walk with me through life's journey I am your child I can now feel your love Thy will, not mine, be done!

(Continues…)


Excerpted from "Depression"
by .
Copyright © 2018 Emmy Kavanagh.
Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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