Getting Free: You Can End Abuse and Take Back Your Life

by Ginny NiCarthy

Overview

Since its original publication in 1982, Getting Free has changed the lives of tens of thousands of women. Written in an accessible style, packed with practical information and answers, special exercises designed to help a woman recognize abuse, and several success stories, Getting Free remains an important resource today—and this updated edition makes it an all the more relevant resource.
In this expanded edition, Ginny NiCarthy features important new information from the latest studies and most recent research on the subject. New chapters include an analysis of whether batterers’ treatment really works, which programs help violent men change, and which do not; the results of research on the ways that many men who batter also abuse their children, and specific reactions of children to battering; the cultural and legal issues relevant to immigrant women; and a presentation of how religious beliefs and religious communities affect the real and perceived choices of women facing violence.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781580055178
Publisher:	Basic Books
Publication date:	03/05/2013
Series:	New Leaf
Sold by:	Hachette Digital, Inc.
Format:	eBook
Pages:	464
Sales rank:	543,655
File size:	2 MB

About the Author

Ginny NiCarthy has written and co-written many books that have helped change the lives of thousands of women, including You Don’t Have to Take It!: A Woman’s Guide to Confronting Emotional Abuse at Work; You Can Be Free: An Easy-to-Read Handbook for Abused Women; The Ones Who Got Away: Women Who Left Abusive Partners; and Talking It Out: A Guide for Abused Women. For twenty-five years she worked as a therapist and was active in the movement to end violence against women.

Table of Contents

	Introduction to the New Edition	xix
	Who this Book is for and How to Use it	xxi
	Physical Abuse	xxi
	Sexual Abuse	xxii
	Emotional Abuse	xxiii
	Important Tools to Help You Understand Your Situation	xxv
	How to Read this Book	xxxiv
Section I	Making the Decision to Leave or Stay
Chapter 1	Social and Political Aspects of Abuse	1
	The History of Battering	1
	The Masculine Role	3
	Why Do Men Batter?	5
	The Female Role	7
	Why Do Women Stay?	8
	Why Do Men Stay?	9
	What Can Be Done?	10
Chapter 2	Marriage and the Family: New and Traditional Values	11
	What is a Family?	11
	The Family in Perspective	12
	Who Are You Listening To?	13
	What is Important to You?	14
	Weighing the Pros and Cons	17
Chapter 3	Is it Ever Right to Break Up the Family?	19
	Where Do Your Guilt Feelings Come From?	19
	Suicide and "Cracking Up"	20
	What About the Children?	22
	Child Abuse	25
	What Do the Children Deserve?	29
Chapter 4	What Do You Owe Yourself?	31
	Are You Somebody Besides Wife, Mother, or Girlfriend?	31
	Reading His Feelings, Reading Yours	33
	"What if it's Really my Fault?"	34
	What Do You Deserve?	36
	Getting Respect in the Workplace (at Home and on the Job)	40
	Understanding What You Both Deserve	41
Chapter 5	"But I Still Love Him"	43
	What Does Being in Love Mean?	43
	Romantic Love	45
	Addictive Love	47
	Nurturing Love	49
	Reasons for Leaving Someone You Love	49
Chapter 6	Making the Decision	51
	How Serious are You?	51
	What's the Worst That Can Happen if You Leave?	52
	What's the Worst That Can Happen if You Stay with the Man?	54
	Balancing the Scales	56
	Making a Commitment to Stay	59
	Leaving to Protect Yourself	61
	Preparing to Leave Permanently	64
Section II	Getting Professional Help	67
	The Problem of Sexism	69
Chapter 7	Emergency Help from Doctors, Police, and Prosecutors	72
	Medical Help	72
	Police Intervention	75
	How to Get the most Effective Police Response	76
	When Will Police Make an Arrest?	76
	Cooperating with the Prosecutor	77
	What the Prosecutor Can and Can't Do	79
	Dealing with the Prosecutor	80
	How Can You Keep the Batterer Away?	81
Chapter 8	Making Legal Decisions	83
	When Should you Hire a Lawyer?	83
	Divorce	84
	Child Custody	85
	Property Division, Alimony, and Child Support	86
	Costs and Benefits of Support from the Man	88
	Other Legal Problems	89
	Interviewing the Lawyer	89
	Evaluating the Lawyer	91
Chapter 9	Getting Help from a Counselor	94
	What Do You Want from a Counselor?	94
	Finding a Counselor	96
	The First Counseling Session	99
	The Special Case of a Sexist Counselor	101
	Advantages of a Woman Counselor	102
	How to Evaluate the Counselor	103
Section III	Helping Yourself to Survival	107
Chapter 10	You Can be Your Own Counselor	109
	Changing How You Talk to Yourself	110
	What did You Do Right Today?	111
	What are You Telling Yourself?	114
	The Difference Between the General and the Specific	116
	Evaluate Your Rules	117
Chapter 11	A Courageous Act a Day	120
	The Uses of Denial	120
	Unconvering Your Fears	121
	Redefine the Task	123
	Take Credit for Each Courageous Act	124
	Be Good to Yourself	125
	Be Physically Self-Supportive	127
Chapter 12	An End to Isolation	131
	How Critical of Others are You?	131
	Start with the People You Know	134
	Meeting New People	135
	Choosing Jobs, Classes, Organizations	135
Chapter 13	Reaching Out	139
	Risking the First Steps	139
	Getting to Know People on the Job	140
	Getting to Know People in Classes and Organizations	142
	Moving from Acquaintances to Friends	144
	How Much do You Confide in a New Friend?	146
	Getting Help from the Family	147
Section IV	After You Leave	151
Chapter 14	The First Week	153
	Staying in a Shelter for Battered Women	153
	Staying with Friends or Relatives	155
	Staying Alone	156
	Groups for Abused Women	158
	Contact with the Man Who Battered You	158
	Coping with Fear	163
	Loneliness	164
Chapter 15	Protecting Yourself and the Children	166
	Visitation	166
	Contact with the Batterer	167
	What You Can Do for the Children	170
	Children's Reactions to Violence and Separation	172
Chapter 16	The Practical Questions of Welfare and Housing	177
	Welfare	177
	Other Benefits	181
	The Housing Search	182
	Shared Housing	183
	Questions for a Potential Housemate	184
Chapter 17	The Economics of Single Life	187
	Paid Employment	187
	Getting Ahead on the Job	191
	How to Budget Your Income and Expenses	192
	Working from a Budget	194
	Home Maintenance	196
	Overcoming Financial Ignorance	198
Chapter 18	Sexuality	200
	Learning to Trust Your Experience	202
	Sexuality Isn't Just Sex	203
	Lesbianism	208
Chapter 19	The New Romance	211
	What Are You Looking for in a Partner?	211
	What If You Keep Finding the Same Kind of Man?	213
	Giving Up Control	219
	Protecting Yourself	220
Chapter 20	The Long Haul	225
	Learning to Cope with Loneliness	225
	You Make Your Own Life	227
	What Can You Do Now?	230
Section V	The Ones Who Got Away	233
Chapter 21	The Ones Who Got Away	235
	Life with the Batterer	235
	The Unexpected	240
	The Good Outweights the Bad	242
	Getting Through the Stressful Days	242
	Help Comes from Unexpected Sources	244
	Advice to Women in Abusive Relationships	245
	Hindsight	246
	Advice to You if You're Thinking of Going Back	247
	Life is Better Now	249
Section VI	Special Challenges	253
Chapter 22	Emotional Abuse	255
	Understanding the Chart of Coercion	256
	Problems of Identifying Abuse	263
	Identifying Emotional Abuse and Using Getting Free to Diminish It	263
	Making Changes	273
Chapter 23	Teen Abuse	275
	How Common is Teenage Battering?	276
	How to Tell if You're Abused	277
	Who's Responsible for the Violence?	278
	What to do if You're Hit	279
	Ending the Relationship	280
	How to Use Getting Free	281
	What Can a Parent Do?	283
Chapter 24	Lesbian Abuse	286
	The Question of Who is Battering	286
	The Nature of Lesbian Battering	288
	How to Use Getting Free	290
	Emergency Services	291
	Ending Isolation	291
Chapter 25	Immigrant Women: Challenges and Solutions	294
	Advocates for Abused Immigrant Women	294
	Assessing Danger	298
	Safety Plan for Staying or Leaving	298
	To Call the Police or Not	300
	When the Police Don't Come: Planning an Emergency Escape	303
	Divorce of Separation from Your Partner: Immigration Status	304
	People's Ideas and Actions Change	307
	Life in the United States	310
Chapter 26	Religious Challenges	313
	Are You Abused?	313
	Politics and Culture: Religious Interpretations	315
	Consultations: Religious and Domestic-Violence Authorities	320
	Sex Abuse	324
	Divorce	325
	The Urge to Forgive	326
	Communities Protect Victims and Hold Offenders Responsible	327
Section VII	Stopping the Cycle of Abuse	329
Chapter 27	Men Who Batter: Can They Change?	331
	Why Does He Do It?	332
	Entitlement and Control	334
	Is Change Possible?	335
	Do Programs Work?	342
	How to tell if the Program is Working for Your Partner	343
Chapter 28	Nurturing Your Children: Safety and Resilience	348
	Safety Whether You Leave or Stay	348
	Children's Visits with Their Father	352
	How Violence Affects Children	354
	Helping Children Who Have Witnessed Violence	357
Chapter 29	Moving Forward: What Communities Can Do	362
	Danger If You Stay, Danger If You Leave: The Statistics	362
	Bad News Gives Birth to a Movement Against Battering	364
	Medical Costs	366
	Child-Protection Costs	366
	Costs to Business	367
	Moving Forward	368
	Resources	373
	Notes	375
	Suggested Reading	384
	Internet Resources	391
	Tips and Wheels	401
	Index	413

Editorial Reviews

First published in 1982, this still indispensable guide clearly outlines topics so readers can easily find advice on specific issues like the pros and cons of moving into a shelter. [In October, Seal will release a new paperback edition: ISBN 1-58005-122-7. $16.95. Ed.] INTervention & remediation Copyright 2004 Reed Business Information.

Library Journal

"Highly recommended." —Library Journal

"Getting Free is a pioneering work which continues to be a valuable tool for battered women. Hundreds of women in our support groups have found it to be a source of hope and of practical assistance. Ginny NiCarthy has our thanks and appreciation." —Lois Loontjens, Executive Director, New Beginnings Shelter

From the Publisher