Getting Free: You Can End Abuse and Take Back Your Life

Getting Free: You Can End Abuse and Take Back Your Life

by Ginny NiCarthy

Paperback(Fourth Edition)

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781580051224
Publisher: Da Capo Press
Publication date: 10/10/2004
Series: New Leaf Series
Edition description: Fourth Edition
Pages: 464
Sales rank: 682,890
Product dimensions: 6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 1.12(d)

About the Author

Ginny NiCarthy has written and co-written many books that have helped change the lives of thousands of women, including You Don’t Have to Take It!: A Woman’s Guide to Confronting Emotional Abuse at Work; You Can Be Free: An Easy-to-Read Handbook for Abused Women; The Ones Who Got Away: Women Who Left Abusive Partners; and Talking It Out: A Guide for Abused Women. For twenty-five years she worked as a therapist and was active in the movement to end violence against women.

Table of Contents

Introduction to the New Editionxix
Who this Book is for and How to Use itxxi
Physical Abusexxi
Sexual Abusexxii
Emotional Abusexxiii
Important Tools to Help You Understand Your Situationxxv
How to Read this Bookxxxiv
Section IMaking the Decision to Leave or Stay
Chapter 1Social and Political Aspects of Abuse1
The History of Battering1
The Masculine Role3
Why Do Men Batter?5
The Female Role7
Why Do Women Stay?8
Why Do Men Stay?9
What Can Be Done?10
Chapter 2Marriage and the Family: New and Traditional Values11
What is a Family?11
The Family in Perspective12
Who Are You Listening To?13
What is Important to You?14
Weighing the Pros and Cons17
Chapter 3Is it Ever Right to Break Up the Family?19
Where Do Your Guilt Feelings Come From?19
Suicide and "Cracking Up"20
What About the Children?22
Child Abuse25
What Do the Children Deserve?29
Chapter 4What Do You Owe Yourself?31
Are You Somebody Besides Wife, Mother, or Girlfriend?31
Reading His Feelings, Reading Yours33
"What if it's Really my Fault?"34
What Do You Deserve?36
Getting Respect in the Workplace (at Home and on the Job)40
Understanding What You Both Deserve41
Chapter 5"But I Still Love Him"43
What Does Being in Love Mean?43
Romantic Love45
Addictive Love47
Nurturing Love49
Reasons for Leaving Someone You Love49
Chapter 6Making the Decision51
How Serious are You?51
What's the Worst That Can Happen if You Leave?52
What's the Worst That Can Happen if You Stay with the Man?54
Balancing the Scales56
Making a Commitment to Stay59
Leaving to Protect Yourself61
Preparing to Leave Permanently64
Section IIGetting Professional Help67
The Problem of Sexism69
Chapter 7Emergency Help from Doctors, Police, and Prosecutors72
Medical Help72
Police Intervention75
How to Get the most Effective Police Response76
When Will Police Make an Arrest?76
Cooperating with the Prosecutor77
What the Prosecutor Can and Can't Do79
Dealing with the Prosecutor80
How Can You Keep the Batterer Away?81
Chapter 8Making Legal Decisions83
When Should you Hire a Lawyer?83
Divorce84
Child Custody85
Property Division, Alimony, and Child Support86
Costs and Benefits of Support from the Man88
Other Legal Problems89
Interviewing the Lawyer89
Evaluating the Lawyer91
Chapter 9Getting Help from a Counselor94
What Do You Want from a Counselor?94
Finding a Counselor96
The First Counseling Session99
The Special Case of a Sexist Counselor101
Advantages of a Woman Counselor102
How to Evaluate the Counselor103
Section IIIHelping Yourself to Survival107
Chapter 10You Can be Your Own Counselor109
Changing How You Talk to Yourself110
What did You Do Right Today?111
What are You Telling Yourself?114
The Difference Between the General and the Specific116
Evaluate Your Rules117
Chapter 11A Courageous Act a Day120
The Uses of Denial120
Unconvering Your Fears121
Redefine the Task123
Take Credit for Each Courageous Act124
Be Good to Yourself125
Be Physically Self-Supportive127
Chapter 12An End to Isolation131
How Critical of Others are You?131
Start with the People You Know134
Meeting New People135
Choosing Jobs, Classes, Organizations135
Chapter 13Reaching Out139
Risking the First Steps139
Getting to Know People on the Job140
Getting to Know People in Classes and Organizations142
Moving from Acquaintances to Friends144
How Much do You Confide in a New Friend?146
Getting Help from the Family147
Section IVAfter You Leave151
Chapter 14The First Week153
Staying in a Shelter for Battered Women153
Staying with Friends or Relatives155
Staying Alone156
Groups for Abused Women158
Contact with the Man Who Battered You158
Coping with Fear163
Loneliness164
Chapter 15Protecting Yourself and the Children166
Visitation166
Contact with the Batterer167
What You Can Do for the Children170
Children's Reactions to Violence and Separation172
Chapter 16The Practical Questions of Welfare and Housing177
Welfare177
Other Benefits181
The Housing Search182
Shared Housing183
Questions for a Potential Housemate184
Chapter 17The Economics of Single Life187
Paid Employment187
Getting Ahead on the Job191
How to Budget Your Income and Expenses192
Working from a Budget194
Home Maintenance196
Overcoming Financial Ignorance198
Chapter 18Sexuality200
Learning to Trust Your Experience202
Sexuality Isn't Just Sex203
Lesbianism208
Chapter 19The New Romance211
What Are You Looking for in a Partner?211
What If You Keep Finding the Same Kind of Man?213
Giving Up Control219
Protecting Yourself220
Chapter 20The Long Haul225
Learning to Cope with Loneliness225
You Make Your Own Life227
What Can You Do Now?230
Section VThe Ones Who Got Away233
Chapter 21The Ones Who Got Away235
Life with the Batterer235
The Unexpected240
The Good Outweights the Bad242
Getting Through the Stressful Days242
Help Comes from Unexpected Sources244
Advice to Women in Abusive Relationships245
Hindsight246
Advice to You if You're Thinking of Going Back247
Life is Better Now249
Section VISpecial Challenges253
Chapter 22Emotional Abuse255
Understanding the Chart of Coercion256
Problems of Identifying Abuse263
Identifying Emotional Abuse and Using Getting Free to Diminish It263
Making Changes273
Chapter 23Teen Abuse275
How Common is Teenage Battering?276
How to Tell if You're Abused277
Who's Responsible for the Violence?278
What to do if You're Hit279
Ending the Relationship280
How to Use Getting Free281
What Can a Parent Do?283
Chapter 24Lesbian Abuse286
The Question of Who is Battering286
The Nature of Lesbian Battering288
How to Use Getting Free290
Emergency Services291
Ending Isolation291
Chapter 25Immigrant Women: Challenges and Solutions294
Advocates for Abused Immigrant Women294
Assessing Danger298
Safety Plan for Staying or Leaving298
To Call the Police or Not300
When the Police Don't Come: Planning an Emergency Escape303
Divorce of Separation from Your Partner: Immigration Status304
People's Ideas and Actions Change307
Life in the United States310
Chapter 26Religious Challenges313
Are You Abused?313
Politics and Culture: Religious Interpretations315
Consultations: Religious and Domestic-Violence Authorities320
Sex Abuse324
Divorce325
The Urge to Forgive326
Communities Protect Victims and Hold Offenders Responsible327
Section VIIStopping the Cycle of Abuse329
Chapter 27Men Who Batter: Can They Change?331
Why Does He Do It?332
Entitlement and Control334
Is Change Possible?335
Do Programs Work?342
How to tell if the Program is Working for Your Partner343
Chapter 28Nurturing Your Children: Safety and Resilience348
Safety Whether You Leave or Stay348
Children's Visits with Their Father352
How Violence Affects Children354
Helping Children Who Have Witnessed Violence357
Chapter 29Moving Forward: What Communities Can Do362
Danger If You Stay, Danger If You Leave: The Statistics362
Bad News Gives Birth to a Movement Against Battering364
Medical Costs366
Child-Protection Costs366
Costs to Business367
Moving Forward368
Resources373
Notes375
Suggested Reading384
Internet Resources391
Tips and Wheels401
Index413

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