Table of Contents
Acknowledgements 11
Introduction. Can't Take the Story Out of History 13
1 Hernando de Soto and the Mime of Doom 15
The unsinkable greyhound, the dueling Spanish flagships and the battle of the Courteous Captains take a back seat to the mounted mime who almost sinks a fleet
2 Four, Three, Two, One: Don't Mess With Pedro 19
The future founder of St. Augustine was a feisty lad in his youth
3 If You Can Keep Your Head, When All About You Are Losing Theirs… 23
Momma was wrong. Musicians have more security than other professionals
4 Payback 30
Freedom of religion, yes. But not freedom to be Spanish
5 A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Office: Governor Ybarra Loses His Shirt 35
Boarded by buccaneers, adrift in an open boat, driven barefoot across a jungle. And that's before he's on the clock
6 The Pirates of Paynes Prairie and the Accountants of the Caribbean 39
Native Americans battle pirates to rescue cowboys. Then it gets weird
7 Was Sotolongo Really So Wrongo? 43
OK, maybe the guy had a few hang-ups. But he could have been right about the buccaneers
8 Poker 47
The first test of the Castillo de San Marcos; a governor's foul mouth doesn't help matters
9 Twist of Fate 52
Lively pirate helps to build fort after his execution
10 The Christmas Siege of 1702 55
I saw two ships come sailing in: why there were bulls a-bellowing and lords a-leaping on Christmas Eve
11 The Remarkable Ear of Robert Jenkins 60
An aural history of a war
12 Lucky Pierre 63
A French draftee in the British army changes the course of a battle-and is subsequently framed by Governor Oglethorpe
13 Extreme Bird-Watching and the Fallibility of Risk-Management Specialists 68
William Bartram demonstrates that botany is a more macho profession than you may have thought
14 Governor Quesada's Affliction 71
Sure, Menendez and Zuniga fought against enemy armies. But they didn't have to deal with Jorge Biassou
15 Ralph Waldo Emerson, Martin Luther King Jr. and the Barking Methodists 75
Them old-time Methodists didn't have much couth, but they did have something
16 A Dream of Pyramids 79
What do Egyptian monuments have to do with infantrymen marching from Tampa to Ocala?
17 Hogtown Changes Its Name 83
The road to destiny is forked by choices, but for some, all paths lead to glory
18 Gotta Get a Receipt 86
Before Confederates can take over the Castillo, they have to meet certain conditions
19 The Year Without Tourists 89
Be careful what you wish for
20 John, Roseda and Polly: A Cracker Family 94
The experts said to institutionalize her, but the cracker family believed in taking care of its own
21 The Picture 97
The world's not what it used to be. But then it never was
22 Truck Farmer 99
The police keep a black man hostage during a shakedown of a white produce seller
23 This Little Light of Mine: Mattress Man in the Signal Corps 102
A young man steps out of his father's shadow
24 Uncle Brother 105
He just couldn't live down to his convictions
25 Waiting for Jingle Bells 108
Why Santa Claus was drinking in the cemetery on a cold Christmas Eve
26 The Ferocious Fleas of Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings 113
Thai tricky redneck/white trash distinction is elucidated in a literary context
27 Jamestown and the Ancient City 118
St. Augustine tries to bump off the English upstart. No hard feelings
28 When Crackers Met Spaniards: Bloody Marsh Reenactment 121
Deciding whom to root for in a fixed fight
Appendix. It Was Along 'Bout Then: Historical Background of Stories 125
Suggested Readings 139
About the Author 143
