I Keep Trying to Catch His Eye: A Memoir of Loss, Grief, and Love

by Ivan Maisel

Overview

In this deeply emotional memoir, a longtime ESPN writer reflects on the suicide of his son Max and delves into how their complicated relationship led him to see grief as love.

In February 2015, Ivan Maisel received a call that would alter his life forever: his son Max's car had been found abandoned in a parking next to Lake Ontario. Two months later, Max's body would be found in the lake. 

There’d been no note or obvious indication that Max wanted to harm himself; he’d signed up for a year-long subscription to a dating service; he’d spent the day he disappeared doing photography work for school. And this uncertainty became part of his father’s grief. I Keep Trying to Catch His Eye explores with grace, depth, and refinement the tragically transformative reality of losing a child. But it also tells the deeply human and deeply empathetic story of a father’s relationship with his son, of its complications, and of Max and Ivan’s struggle—as is the case for so many parents and their children—to connect.

I Keep Trying to Catch His Eye is a stunning, poignant exploration of the father and son relationship, of how our tendency to overlook men’s mental health can have devastating consequences, and how ultimately letting those who grieve do so openly and freely can lead to greater healing. 

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780306925764
Publisher:	Grand Central Publishing
Publication date:	09/27/2022
Pages:	240
Product dimensions:	5.90(w) x 8.90(h) x 1.00(d)

About the Author

Ivan Maisel is Vice-President, Editorial, and Senior Writer for on3.com.  He has covered college football for nearly four decades, from 2002-2021 at ESPN, where he wrote for ESPN.com and appeared on television, ESPN Radio, and podcasts.  Prior to ESPN, Maisel covered national college football for Sports Illustrated, Newsday and The Dallas Morning News.  He has been honored eight times for Best Story by the Football Writers Association of America, and twice by The Associated Press Sports Editors, which in 2019 named him one of the ten best sports columnists.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1 Demystifying Grief 1

Chapter 2 Hey, Bud! 17

Chapter 3 College 39

Chapter 4 Going Public 61

Chapter 5 A Bad Day, a Great Ending 77

Chapter 6 A Ball Under Water 95

Chapter 7 First-Evers 113

Chapter 8 I Keep Trying to Catch His Eye 131

Chapter 9 The Hilinskis 147

Chapter 10 A Better Person 167

Chapter 11 The Lies We Tell Ourselves 181

Chapter 12 Every Day 189

Chapter 13 The Evolution of Coping 205

Acknowledgments 223

Editorial Reviews

★ 08/02/2021

Maisel (The Maisel Report), a former senior writer for ESPN, reflects on the tragedy of losing his 21-year-old son, Max, to suicide in this beautiful and heart-wrenching work. One morning in 2015, Maisel received a call from a sheriff’s office in Upstate New York, near his son’s college, reporting that Max’s car had been found near the shore of Lake Ontario, with no sign of its owner. Maisel’s worst fears were realized when it became clear that Max had deliberately walked out on the lake’s frozen surface until the ice broke beneath him. While Maisel knew that Max had had his share of struggles—especially with connecting with other people—neither he nor his wife, Meg, were aware of the extent of their son’s pain. Flashbacks to Max’s childhood make him a vivid personality, and photos of him throughout render the author’s grief devastatingly visceral. Even in the face of despair, the Maisels had no choice but to go on living without Max. Rather than succumbing to the “sugary, greeting-card emotion” that makes stories of grief, like his, palatable, Maisel writes honestly about learning how to have an “appreciation for what comes, with the understanding that I am guaranteed nothing.” The result yields a deeply affecting testament to the fragility of life, and the human capacity for resilience. Agent: Jan Miller, Dupree Miller & Assoc. (Oct.)

Publishers Weekly

"[A] beautiful and heart-wrenching work... Flashbacks to Max's childhood make him a vivid personality, and photos of him throughout render the author's grief devastatingly visceral... Maisel writes honestly... The result yields a deeply affecting testament to the fragility of life, and the human capacity for resilience."—Publishers Weekly

"At the center of this beautifully written memoir by a father about his son Max, is a loving, devoted family. Ivan is a sportswriter, his clean, direct writing style is riveting and emotional. One winter day, when his son goes missing on purpose, the family unspools first in shock, then grief, and finally redemption as the author finds a letter written to him from Max from happier times. There is so much love in this memoir, the reader too, is redeemed. There is humor and grace as the Maisels find their way in the world without this beautiful soul in their midst. The family holds their memories of this original, one of a kind young man in their hearts. You will too. I couldn't put it down."—Adriana Trigiani, bestselling author of The Shoemaker's Wife

“This is a poignant memoir about the love that propels us to carry on and move forward after loss. Ivan Maisel gives voice to emotions that many of us have felt but few have been able to articulate.”—Adam Grant, #1 New York Times bestselling author of Think Again and coauthor of Option B

“This is a story about grief, and loss and sorrow, yes. But it is also a story about triumph over those things, about love, devotion and grace.”—Wright Thompson, New York Times bestselling author of Pappyland

“Having lost a child myself, it’s hard for me to imagine a parent experiencing anything that is more painful. Losing a child to suicide adds another layer to the grief because we can’t understand why it happened. In I Keep Trying To Catch His Eye, Ivan Maisel shares his family’s story of losing a son to suicide. He examines some deep issues that aren’t easy for us to talk about—suicide, mental health, grief, and recovery.  This book will be helpful to anyone dealing with the loss of a loved one but especially to those who have been impacted by suicide.”—Tony Dungy, NBC Sports, former NFL player/head coach and member of the Pro Football Hall of Fame

"Loss and grief create a division between the uninitiated and those who speak the language. Maisel's gem of a book bravely bridges two worlds to help translate the many facets in grieving a child's death. Unvarnished and unsparing, this award-winning sportswriter turns the lens on his own journey to make sense of the unimaginable, demonstrating how we get through it without ever getting over it."—Lee Woodruff, #1 New York Times bestselling author of In An Instant

"An intimate chronicle of abiding love."

—Kirkus

"[A] poignant, understated memoir... Those who have lost a child will find a kindred spirit here."
 —Booklist

"For those who read this work, we see Max as he was. We see a family that makes the best they can through a time of grief. And we see that the human spirit, the will to both hold on and move on are both valid and necessary. And in that final understanding we find a way into each day’s new dawn. And for that and so much more, I cannot recommend this book enough."

—Jay Paterno

"Losing a child is every parent’s nightmare; losing one to suicide deepens the anguish unimaginably. Here, a father shares his grief and valuable lessons on how he carries on."—People Magazine

"His deeply personal and moving book, I Keep Trying to Catch His Eye: A Memoir of Loss, Grief and Love, is a testament both to a father’s love and to the human soul’s ability to grieve and remember and still not lose hope." —Kerri Miller, Minnesota Public Radio

From the Publisher

11/01/2021

Maisel, a former ESPN writer who lost his son Max to suicide, wrote this book as a way to express and cope with grief. The result is a tender account of a son's life by his loving father. Maisel tries to understand Max's death by reconsidering his life, and wishes he'd been able to help Max earlier. He delves into the nuances of how his wife and daughters and Max's friends and extended family processed and experienced their grief in different ways. Maisel heartbreakingly describes Max's complex and puzzling character and his roles as son, brother, and friend, in such a way that readers will come to enjoy his company. VERDICT A painful, cathartic memoir for those who have known someone who died by suicide or contemplated it. The grief, and sometimes guilt, of a father makes this memoir a difficult read, but Maisel's depiction of coping gives it a palpable warmth.—Amanda Ray, Iowa City P.L.

Library Journal

2021-08-17
A chronicle of the heartbreaking aftermath of a son’s suicide.

In February 2015, Maisel, a sportswriter who spent a 20-year career covering college football for ESPN, learned that his son Max, a college junior, was missing, his car found abandoned near a lake in upstate New York. Soon it became clear that Max, who had long suffered from emotional problems, had killed himself. Maisel’s raw, moving memoir is both a tribute to Max and an anatomical dissection of a father’s grief. Unable, and unwilling, to “move on,” Maisel learned to coexist with grief by understanding it as an expression of love. “Seeing grief as love helped me handle its all-consuming nature,” Maisel writes. “Seeing grief as love made it seem less alien, less painful.” Yet he was beset by guilt over not being able to rescue his son from the depression and hopelessness that led to his death. Although a psychologist assured him “there’s zero, zero, zero, zero chance” that someone intent on suicide can be stopped, the author could not help but feel complicit. His denial about the seriousness of his son’s problems, he reflects, was “partly rooted in my genuine faith that he would ultimately succeed, and mostly rooted in my fear of admitting to myself how desperate his mental condition might be.” Max exhibited problems even as a young child. He had few friends (“my memories of Max are of him alone,” Maisel writes), and he had physical difficulties: “He never slept well. Ever. He had trouble gripping a pencil, which led to handwriting that started out hard to decipher and never improved. He had the most ear infections.” Sadly, he saw the world as “half empty.” As the author recounts the years since Max’s death, he acknowledges ways that he, his family, his connection to his work, and his view of the world have all changed—though “the permanence of the loss” remains.

An intimate chronicle of abiding love.

Kirkus Reviews