Losing the Atmosphere, A Memoir: A Baffling Disorder, a Search for Help, and the Therapist Who Understood

by Vivian Conan, Jeffery Smith MD (Afterword)

Overview

Born in 1940s Brooklyn to a father prone to rages and an emotionally erratic mother, Vivian Conan grew up in two different worlds: Outside and Inside. Outside, she had friends, excelled in school, and was close to her cousins and brother. Inside, she saw faces that weren't hers in her bedroom mirror and was surrounded by an invisible Atmosphere that bathed her in the love and understanding she craved. Moving between these worlds enabled Vivian to survive her childhood but limited her ability to live fully as an adult. To others, her life seemed rich with work, friends, music, and boyfriends. But her mind and soul were filled with chaos and pain. Neither she nor her therapists could figure out why.

Losing the Atmosphere is Vivian Conan's riveting account of her journey toward self-understanding and wholeness; her encounters with a string of more and less helpful therapists; and her unconventional relationship with the therapist who was finally able to guide her through the courageous, messy work healing required.

Told with honesty, humor, and grace, Losing the Atmosphere is a never-too-late story about the growth possible for anyone with the guts to pursue it, and a testament to the redemptive power of love: not the perfect kind Vivian experienced in her imaginary world, but the imperfect kind that connects us, flawed human being to flawed human being, in the real world she lives in now.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781734674019
Publisher:	Greenpoint Press
Publication date:	09/29/2020
Pages:	470
Product dimensions:	6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 1.05(d)

About the Author

VIVIAN CONAN is a writer, librarian, and IT business analyst who lives in Manhattan. A native New Yorker, she grew up in a large Greek-Jewish clan in Brooklyn and holds master's degrees from Brooklyn College and Pratt Institute. Her work has appeared in The New York Times, New York magazine, Lilith, Narratively, and Ducts.org. She received a 2007 fellowship in Nonfiction Literature from the New York Foundation for the Arts and a 2019 Simon Rockower Award from the American Jewish Press Association. Vivian sings with the Peace of Heart Choir, which performs free for communities in need, and has mentored teenage writers as a volunteer with Girls Write Now. Losing the Atmosphere is her first book. Learn more at VivianConan.com.

Jeffery Smith, MD, is the author of Psychotherapy: A Practical Guide (Springer, 2017), Getting the Most from Your Therapy (Libentia, 2016), and How We Heal and Grow: The Power of Facing Your Feelings (Libentia, 2014).

Table of Contents

CONTENTS

Prologue—1

PART ONE: BEGINNINGS

1. Two Mommies—5

2. Two Daddies—13

3. The Gentle Slap of Cards—21

4. Cookie—31

5. A Little Closer to Nebraska—39

6. Sweet Sixteen—53

PART TWO: ANALYSIS

7. Appointments—61

8. The Rush of the River—75

9. Beethoven’s Fifth—85

10. Lost Child—95

11. Sailboat—105

12. Ultimatum—111

13. Nine Credits—121

PART THREE: MOUNT SINAI

14. T.U.B.E.—133

15. Dry Mouth—143

16. The Flute Plays the Violin—151

17. Susan Has a Secret—163

18. Sleep—171

19. No Refuge—179

Photo Album: 1942–1965—197

PART FOUR: EINSTEIN

20. Rose Garden—209

21. Psychodrama—217

22. Picasso—227

23. Vagabond—241

PART FIVE: LATE BLOOMER

24. Overing Underground—257

25. Rum Raisin—265

26. Rebecca—271

27. Horizontal—277

28. The Right Choice—285

PART SIX: ALTERS

29. Adulthood—293

30. Flight Lessons—299

31. Mommybeth—307

32. An Explanation—313

33. Meeting Myselves—321

34. Believing, Doubting—329

35. Being Seen—339

36. The Left Back Burner—347

Photo Album: 1966–1997—357

PART SEVEN: HEALING

37. The Saddest Present—365

38. Object Permanence—377

39. Windchill—387

40. The Same Dog—397

41. My Mother’s Keeper—409

42. Water Doesn’t Flow Uphill—421

Epilogue—429

Photo Album: 1998–Present—433

AFTERWORD Jeffery Smith, MD—441

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS—453

ABOUT THE AUTHOR—455

Editorial Reviews

"Vivian Conan has written a real-life medical mystery that is as resonant and profound as an Oliver Sacks case study--but in her case, we see it from the inside. Losing the Atmosphere is, at its heart, a book about what it is to be an imperfect human (as we all are) walking through an imperfect world." --Dawn Raffel, author of The Strange Case of Dr. Couney

"In razor-sharp prose, Losing the Atmosphere traces one woman's lifelong journey to mental wellness. Afflicted by two complex disorders and misdiagnosed time and again, Vivian Conan tells her story with poignancy, determination and fierce intelligence. You will cheer for this survivor." --Sally Koslow, author of Another Side of Paradise

"A compelling story of a woman struggling to find her identity as she battles a baffling psychological condition that has plagued her since childhood. In this beautifully written memoir, Vivian Conan gives a fascinating account of a woman who, despite having grown up in a close, extended family in Brooklyn, creates a complicated imaginary world to cope with a demanding father and a distant mother. Losing the Atmosphere will haunt you well after the last
page has been turned." --Joy Behar, co-host, The View

"Vivian Conan's Losing the Atmosphere gives a powerful, personal account of how recurring childhood trauma can fracture one's identity and result in a deep loss of self. Conan illustrates the little-understood but very real role multiple identities play for children and adults living with MPD and DID. This beautifully written memoir is a testament to a woman's intelligence, tenacity and courage to find herself and make peace with a turbulent, oppressive past. In
a world in which we increasingly rely solely on biochemical solutions, Conan proves that education, self-advocacy, and hard therapeutic work can lead to self-discovery and true healing." --Christina Chiu, author of Beauty and Troublemaker and Other Saints

"Vivian Conan's memoir is what self-help, genuine self-help, feels like. Sensing the problem. Grasping the problem. Grappling with the problem. Overcoming the problem. This is quiet heroism." --Mark Goldblatt, author of Twerp and Finding the Worm

"Losing the Atmosphere is an engrossing and highly informative memoir about how a child faced with an environment that is incomprehensible, sometimes terrifying, and psychologically unmanageable creates an illusory world to sustain her and develops different identities as a way of coping. It is first the compelling story of how this all began, then the uplifting narrative of how Ms. Conan learned to process and integrate experience that had been overwhelming--to mourn, forgive, and finally re-engage with the world as a full person. As a window into the experience of a person who developed dissociative identity disorder and found ways to heal, Losing the Atmosphere is a must-read for mental health professionals.It is a remarkable story and a fascinating read for everyone else." --Elizabeth F. Howell, PhD, author of Understanding and Treating Dissociative Identity Disorder and Trauma and Dissociation-Informed Psychotherapy

"Losing the Atmosphere is a heartbreaking account of life with a rare psychological disorder and the events that broke a budding mind to pieces." --Claire Foster, Foreword Reviews

"A potent, heartfelt life story."--Kirkus Reviews

From the Publisher