Meta-bleedin'-morphosis

One night, in a London pub in the 1990's, I ran into a man who claimed to be the actor Michael Caine. The man said (in a thick Cockney accent): "'ere mate, if yer buy me a beer I will recite the bloomin' 'oole of Franz Kafka's classic tale of alienation, 'Metamorphosis, ' also known as 'Die Verwandlung.' If, however, yer chose not ter ffen I shall kick yer in the bleedin' balls." As I valued my balls very much I agreed... And so here is Kafka's 'Metamorphosis, ' as retold by a man in a pub ...