What is Nonviolent Communication?
Nonviolent Communication is the integration of four things: • Consciousness: a set of principles that support living a life of compassion, collaboration, courage, and authenticity • Language: understanding how words contribute to connection or distance • Communication: knowing how to ask for what we want, how to hear others even in disagreement, and how to move toward solutions that work for all • Means of influence: sharing “power with others” rather than using “power over others”
Nonviolent Communication serves our desire to do three things: • Increase our ability to live with choice, meaning, and connection • Connect empathically with self and others to have more satisfying relationships • Sharing of resources so everyone is able to benefit
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A Language of Life
By Marshall B. Rosenberg
PuddleDancer PressCopyright © 2003 PuddleDancer Press
All rights reserved.
Giving From the Heart
The Heart of Nonviolent Communication
What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.
— Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD
Believing that it is our nature to enjoy giving and receiving in a compassionate manner, I have been preoccupied most of my life with two questions: What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively? And conversely, what allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?
My preoccupation with these questions began in childhood, around the summer of 1943, when our family moved to Detroit, Michigan. The second week after we arrived, a race war erupted over an incident at a public park. More than forty people were killed in the next few days. Our neighborhood was situated in the center of the violence, and we spent three days locked in the house.
When the race riot ended and school began, I discovered that a name could be as dangerous as any skin color. When the teacher called my name during attendance, two boys glared at me and hissed, "Are you a kike?" I had never heard the word before and didn't know some people used it in a derogatory way to refer to Jews. After school, the same two boys were waiting for me: they threw me to the ground and kicked and beat me.
Since that summer in 1943, I have been examining the two questions I mentioned. What empowers us, for example, to stay connected to our compassionate nature even under the worst circumstances? I am thinking of people like Etty Hillesum, who remained compassionate even while subjected to the grotesque conditions of a German concentration camp. As she wrote in her journal at the time,
I am not easily frightened. Not because I am brave but because I know that I am dealing with human beings, and that I must try as hard as I can to understand everything that anyone ever does. And that was the real import of this morning: not that a disgruntled young Gestapo officer yelled at me, but that I felt no indignation, rather a real compassion, and would have liked to ask, 'Did you have a very unhappy childhood, has your girlfriend let you down?' Yes, he looked harassed and driven, sullen and weak. I should have liked to start treating him there and then, for I know that pitiful young men like that are dangerous as soon as they are let loose on mankind.
— Etty Hillesum in Etty: A Diary 1941–1943
While studying the factors that affect our ability to stay compassionate, I was struck by the crucial role of language and our use of words. I have since identified a specific approach to communicating — both speaking and listening — that leads us to give from the heart, connecting us with ourselves and with each other in a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish. I call this approach Nonviolent Communication, using the term nonviolence as Gandhi used it — to refer to our natural state of compassion when violence has subsided from the heart. While we may not consider the way we talk to be "violent," words often lead to hurt and pain, whether for others or ourselves. In some communities, the process I am describing is known as Compassionate Communication; the abbreviation NVC is used throughout this book to refer to Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication.
NVC: a way of communicating that leads us to give from the heart.
A Way to Focus Attention
NVC is founded on language and communication skills that strengthen our ability to remain human, even under trying conditions. It contains nothing new; all that has been integrated into NVC has been known for centuries. The intent is to remind us about what we already know — about how we humans were meant to relate to one another — and to assist us in living in a way that concretely manifests this knowledge.
NVC guides us in reframing how we express ourselves and hear others. Instead of habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling, and wanting. We are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while simultaneously paying others a respectful and empathic attention. In any exchange, we come to hear our own deeper needs and those of others. NVC trains us to observe carefully, and to be able to specify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us. We learn to identify and clearly articulate what we are concretely wanting in any given situation. The form is simple, yet powerfully transformative.
As NVC replaces our old patterns of defending, withdrawing, or attacking in the face of judgment and criticism, we come to perceive ourselves and others, as well as our intentions and relationships, in a new light. Resistance, defensiveness, and violent reactions are minimized. When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion. Through its emphasis on deep listening — to ourselves as well as to others — NVC fosters respect, attentiveness, and empathy and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart.
We perceive relationships in a new light when we use NVC to hear our own deeper needs and those of others.
Although I refer to it as "a process of communication" or "a language of compassion," NVC is more than a process or a language. On a deeper level, it is an ongoing reminder to keep our attention focused on a place where we are more likely to get what we are seeking.
There is a story of a man on all fours under a street lamp, searching for something. A policeman passing by asked what he was doing. "Looking for my car keys," replied the man, who appeared slightly drunk. "Did you drop them here?" inquired the officer. "No," answered the man, "I dropped them in the alley." Seeing the policeman's baffled expression, the man hastened to explain, "But the light is much better here."
I find that my cultural conditioning leads me to focus attention on places where I am unlikely to get what I want. I developed NVC as a way to train my attention — to shine the light of consciousness — on places that have the potential to yield what I am seeking. What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.
Let's shine the light of consciousness on places where we can hope to find what we are seeking.
This quality of compassion, which I refer to as "giving from the heart," is expressed in the following lyrics by my friend Ruth Bebermeyer:
I never feel more given to
than when you take from me —
when you understand the joy I feel giving to you.
And you know my giving isn't done to put you in my debt,
but because I want to live the love I feel for you.
To receive with grace
may be the greatest giving.
There's no way I can separate the two.
When you give to me,
I give you my receiving.
When you take from me, I feel so given to.
—" Given To" (1978) by Ruth Bebermeyer from the album Given To.
When we give from the heart, we do so out of the joy that springs forth whenever we willingly enrich another person's life. This kind of giving benefits both the giver and the receiver. The receiver enjoys the gift without worrying about the consequences that accompany gifts given out of fear, guilt, shame, or desire for gain. The giver benefits from the enhanced self-esteem that results when we see our efforts contributing to someone's well-being.
The use of NVC does not require that the persons with whom we are communicating be literate in NVC or even motivated to relate to us compassionately. If we stay with the principles of NVC, stay motivated solely to give and receive compassionately, and do everything we can to let others know this is our only motive, they will join us in the process, and eventually we will be able to respond compassionately to one another. I'm not saying that this always happens quickly. I do maintain, however, that compassion inevitably blossoms when we stay true to the principles and process of NVC.
The NVC Process
To arrive at a mutual desire to give from the heart, we focus the light of consciousness on four areas — referred to as the four components of the NVC model.
First, we observe what is actually happening in a situation: what are we observing others saying or doing that is either enriching or not enriching our life? The trick is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation — to simply say what people are doing that we either like or don't like. Next, we state how we feel when we observe this action: are we hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated? And thirdly, we say what needs of ours are connected to the feelings we have identified. An awareness of these three components is present when we use NVC to clearly and honestly express how we are.
Four components of NVC:
For example, a mother might express these three pieces to her teenage son by saying, "Felix, when I see two balls of soiled socks under the coffee table and another three next to the TV, I feel irritated because I am needing more order in the rooms that we share in common."
She would follow immediately with the fourth component — a very specific request: "Would you be willing to put your socks in your room or in the washing machine?" This fourth component addresses what we are wanting from the other person that would enrich our lives or make life more wonderful for us.
Thus, part of NVC is to express these four pieces of information very clearly, whether verbally or by other means. The other part of this communication consists of receiving the same four pieces of information from others. We connect with them by first sensing what they are observing, feeling, and needing; then we discover what would enrich their lives by receiving the fourth piece — their request.
As we keep our attention focused on the areas mentioned, and help others do likewise, we establish a flow of communication, back and forth, until compassion manifests naturally: what I am observing, feeling, and needing; what I am requesting to enrich my life; what you are observing, feeling, and needing; what you are requesting to enrich your life ...
The concrete actions we observe that affect our well-being
How we feel in relation to what we observe
The needs, values, desires, etc. that create our feelings
The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives
Two parts of NVC:
1. expressing honestly through the four components
2. receiving empathically through the four components
When we use this process, we may begin either by expressing ourselves or by empathically receiving these four pieces of information from others. Although we will learn to listen for and verbally express each of these components in Chapters 3–6, it is important to keep in mind that NVC is not a set formula, but something that adapts to various situations as well as personal and cultural styles. While I conveniently refer to NVC as a "process" or "language," it is possible to experience all four pieces of the process without uttering a single word. The essence of NVC is in our consciousness of the four components, not in the actual words that are exchanged.
Applying NVC in Our Lives and World
When we use NVC in our interactions — with ourselves, with another person, or in a group — we become grounded in our natural state of compassion. It is therefore an approach that can be effectively applied at all levels of communication and in diverse situations:
organizations and institutions
therapy and counseling relationships
diplomatic and business negotiations
disputes and conflicts of any nature
Some people use NVC to create greater depth and caring in their intimate relationships:
When I learned how I can receive (hear), as well as give (express), through using NVC, I went beyond feeling attacked and 'doormattish' to really listening to words and extracting their underlying feelings. I discovered a very hurting man to whom I had been married for twenty-eight years. He had asked me for a divorce the weekend before the [NVC] workshop. To make a long story short, we are here today — together, and I appreciate the contribution [NVC has] made to our happy ending. ... I learned to listen for feelings, to express my needs, to accept answers that I didn't always want to hear. He is not here to make me happy, nor am I here to create happiness for him. We have both learned to grow, to accept, and to love, so that we can each be fulfilled.
— a workshop participant in San Diego, California
Others use it to build more effective relationships at work:
I have been using NVC in my special education classroom for about one year. It can work even with children who have language delays, learning difficulties, and behavior problems. One student in our classroom spits, swears, screams, and stabs other students with pencils when they get near his desk. I cue him with, 'Please say that another way. Use your giraffe talk.' [Giraffe puppets are used in some workshops as a teaching aid to demonstrate NVC.] He immediately stands up straight, looks at the person toward whom his anger is directed, and says calmly, 'Would you please move away from my desk? I feel angry when you stand so close to me.' The other students might respond with something like, 'Sorry! I forgot it bothers you.'
I began to think about my frustration with this child and to try to discover what I needed from him (besides harmony and order). I realized how much time I had put into lesson planning and how my needs for creativity and contribution were being short-circuited in order to manage behavior. Also, I felt I was not meeting the educational needs of the other students. When he was acting out in class, I began to say, 'I need you to share my attention.' It might take a hundred cues a day, but he got the message and would usually get involved in the lesson.
— a teacher in Chicago, Illinois
A doctor writes:
I use NVC more and more in my medical practice. Some patients ask me whether I am a psychologist, saying that usually their doctors are not interested in the way they live their lives or deal with their diseases. NVC helps me understand what patients' needs are and what they need to hear at a given moment. I find this particularly helpful in relating to patients with hemophilia and AIDS because there is so much anger and pain that the patient/health care-provider relationship is often seriously impaired. Recently a woman with AIDS, whom I have been treating for the past five years, told me that what has helped her the most have been my attempts to find ways for her to enjoy her daily life. My use of NVC helps me a lot in this respect. Often in the past, when I knew that a patient had a fatal disease, I myself would get caught in the prognosis, and it was hard for me to sincerely encourage them to live their lives. With NVC, I have developed a new consciousness as well as a new language. I am amazed to see how much it fits in with my medical practice. I feel more energy and joy in my work as I become increasingly engaged in the dance of NVC.
— a physician in Paris, France
Still others use this process in the political arena. A French cabinet member visiting her sister remarked how differently the sister and her husband were communicating and responding to each other. Encouraged by their descriptions of NVC, she mentioned that she was scheduled the following week to negotiate some sensitive issues between France and Algeria regarding adoption procedures. Though time was limited, we dispatched a French-speaking trainer to Paris to work with the cabinet minister. The minister later attributed much of the success of her negotiations in Algeria to her newly acquired communication techniques.
In Jerusalem, during a workshop attended by Israelis of varying political persuasions, participants used NVC to express themselves regarding the highly contested issue of the West Bank. Many of the Israeli settlers who have established themselves on the West Bank believe that they are fulfilling a religious mandate by doing so, and they are locked in conflict not only with Palestinians but also with other Israelis who recognize the Palestinian hope for national sovereignty in the region. During a session, one of my trainers and I modeled empathic hearing through NVC and then invited participants to take turns role-playing each other's position. After twenty minutes, a settler announced that she would be willing to consider relinquishing her land claims and moving out of the West Bank into internationally recognized Israeli territory if her political opponents could listen to her in the way she had just been listened to.
Worldwide, NVC now serves as a valuable resource for communities facing violent conflicts and severe ethnic, religious, or political tensions. The spread of NVC training and its use in mediation by people in conflict in Israel, the Palestinian Authority, Nigeria, Rwanda, Sierra Leone, and elsewhere have been a source of particular gratification for me. My associates and I were once in Belgrade for three highly charged days training citizens working for peace. When we first arrived, expressions of despair were visibly etched on the trainees' faces, for their country was then enmeshed in a brutal war in Bosnia and Croatia. As the training progressed, we heard the ring of laughter in their voices as they shared their profound gratitude and joy for having found the empowerment they were seeking. Over the next two weeks, during trainings in Croatia, Israel, and Palestine, we again saw desperate citizens in war-torn countries regaining their spirits and confidence from the NVC training they received.
Excerpted from Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg. Copyright © 2003 PuddleDancer Press. Excerpted by permission of PuddleDancer Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Foreword Deepak Chopra xiii
1 Giving From the Heart 1
A Way to Focus Attention 3
The NVC Process 6
Applying NVC in Our Lives and the World 8
NVC in Action: "Murderer, Assassin, Child-Killer!" 13
2 Communication That Blocks Compassion 15
Moralistic Judgments 15
Making Comparisons 18
Denial of Responsibility 19
Other Forms of Life-Alienating Communication 22
3 Observing Without Evaluating 25
The Highest Form of Human Intelligence 28
Distinguishing Observations From Evaluations 30
NVC in Action: "The Most Arrogant Speaker We've Ever Had!" 32
Exercise 1 Observation or Evaluation? 34
4 Identifying and Expressing Feelings 37
The Heavy Cost of Unexpressed Feelings 37
Feelings versus Non-Feelings 41
Building a Vocabulary for Feelings 43
Exercise 2 Expressing Feelings 47
5 Taking Responsibility for Our Feelings 49
Hearing a Negative Message: Four Options 49
The Needs at the Roots of Feelings 52
The Pain of Expressing Our Needs versus the Pain of Not Expressing Our Needs 55
From Emotional Slavery to Emotional Liberation 57
NVC in Action: "Bring Back the Stigma of Illegitimacy!" 61
Exercise 3 Acknowledging Needs 65
6 Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life 67
Using Positive Action Language 67
Making Requests Consciously 72
Asking for a Reflection 74
Requesting Honesty 76
Making Requests of a Group 77
Requests versus Demands 79
Denning Our Objective When Making Requests 81
NVC in Action: Sharing Fears About a Best Friend's Smoking 85
Exercise 4 Expressing Requests 88
7 Receiving Empathically 91
Presence: Don't Just Do Something, Stand There 91
Listening for Feelings and Needs 94
Sustaining Empathy 101
When Pain Blocks Our Ability to Empathize 103
NVC in Action: A Wife Connects With Her Dying Husband 105
Exercise 5 Receiving Empathically versus Non-Empathically 109
8 The Power of Empathy 113
Empathy That Heals 113
Empathy and the Ability to Be Vulnerable 115
Using Empathy to Defuse Danger 117
Empathy in Hearing Someone's "No!" 120
Empathy to Revive a Lifeless Conversation 121
Empathy for Silence 123
9 Connecting Compassionately With Ourselves 129
Remembering the Specialness of What We Are 129
Evaluating Ourselves When We've Been Less Than Perfect 130
Translating Self-Judgments and Inner Demands 132
NVC Mourning 132
The Lesson of the Polka-Dotted Suit 134
Don't Do Anything That Isn't Play! 135
Translating "Have to" to "Choose to" 136
Cultivating Awareness of the Energy Behind Our Actions 138
10 Expressing Anger Fully 141
Distinguishing Stimulus From Cause 141
All Anger Has a Life-Serving Core 144
Stimulus versus Cause: Practical Implications 145
Four Steps to Expressing Anger 148
Offering Empathy First 149
Taking Our Time 152
NVC in Action: Parent and Teen Dialogue A Life-Threatening Issue 154
11 Conflict Resolution and Mediation 161
Human Connection 161
NVC Conflict Resolution versus Traditional Mediation 162
NVC Conflict Resolution Steps-A Quick Overview 164
On Needs, Strategies, and Analysis 165
Empathy to Ease the Pain That Prevents Hearing 170
Using Present and Positive Action Language to Resolve Conflict 172
Using Action Verbs 173
Translating "No" 174
NVC and the Mediator Role 175
When People Say "No" to Meeting Face to Face 181
Informal Mediation: Sticking Our Nose in Other People's Business 182
12 The Protective Use of Force 185
When the Use of Force Is Unavoidable 185
The Thinking Behind the Use of Force 185
Types of Punitive Force 186
The Costs of Punishment 188
Two Questions That Reveal the Limitations of Punishment 189
The Protective Use of Force in Schools 190
13 Liberating Ourselves and Counseling Others 195
Freeing Ourselves From Old Programming 195
Resolving Internal Conflicts 196
Caring for Our Inner Environment 197
Replacing Diagnosis With NVC 199
NVC in Action: Dealing With Resentment and Self-Judgment 204
14 Expressing Appreciation in Nonviolent Communication 209
The Intention Behind the Appreciation 209
The Three Components of Appreciation 210
Receiving Appreciation 212
The Hunger for Appreciation 214
Overcoming the Reluctance to Express Appreciation 215
The Four-Part Nonviolent Communication Process 231
Some Basic Feelings and Needs We All Have 232
About Nonviolent Communication 233
About PuddleDancer Press 234
About the Center for Nonviolent Communication 235
Trade Books From PuddleDancer Press 236
Trade Booklets From PuddleDancer Press 242
About the Author 244