Perfectly Hidden Depression: How to Break Free from the Perfectionism That Masks Your Depression

by Margaret Robinson Rutherford PhD, Jennifer Marshall (Foreword by)

Overview

When your life looks perfect, but you’re silently falling apart…

If you were raised to believe that painful emotions are a sign of weakness, or if being vulnerable has always made you feel unsafe, then you may have survived by creating a perfect-looking life—a life where you appear to be successful, engaged, and always there for others. The problem? You’re filled with self-criticism and shame, and you can’t allow yourself to express fear, anger, loss, or grief. You recognize something is wrong, but you’re not sure what exactly—only that you feel trapped and alone. If this sounds like you, you may have perfectly hidden depression (PHD).

With this compassionate guide, you’ll begin the process of understanding your perfectionism, identifying destructive beliefs, and connecting with emotions suppressed for far too long. You’ll also find tangible tips for quieting that critical inner voice, and powerful strategies for coping with difficult feelings. Most importantly, you’ll learn that asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength. If you’re ready to stop hiding and start healing, this groundbreaking book will guide you—every imperfect step of the way.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781684033584
Publisher:	New Harbinger Publications
Publication date:	11/01/2019
Pages:	216
Sales rank:	177,783
Product dimensions:	5.90(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.60(d)

About the Author

Margaret Robinson Rutherford, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in private practice with more than twenty-five years of experience treating individuals and couples for depression, anxiety, and relationship issues. She also offers her compassionate and commonsense therapeutic style to the general public through her popular blog and podcasts, with the goal of decreasing the stigma around psychological treatment. Her podcasts and shows on perfectly hidden depression (PHD) have reached thousands, as she sheds light on this overlooked presentation of the disease.

Foreword writer Jennifer Marshall is cofounder of This is My Brave, a national storytelling series dedicated to discussing mental illness. Jennifer was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder in 2006 at the age of twenty-six, and writing about her life with a mental illness has helped her healing process. You can read her blog, Bipolar Mom Life, or follow her on Twitter: @BipolarMomLife.

Table of Contents

Foreword vii

Preface xi

Introduction 1

Part I Understanding Perfectly Hidden Depression

Chapter 1 What Is Perfectly Hidden Depression? 9

Chapter 2 Healthy Coping, Depression, and Perfectly Hidden Depression 31

Chapter 3 Overcoming Stigma and Recognizing Perfectly Hidden Depression in Yourself 47

Part II The Five Stages of Healing Consciousness, Commitment, Confrontation, Connection, Change

Stage 1 Attain Consciousness 69

"How Could I Be Depressed? My Life Looks Perfect"

Stage 2 Make the Commitment 79

"I'm Scared to Be Any Different…What If I Fail?"

Stage 3 Confront Your Rulebook 93

"I'm so Incredibly Hard on Myself"

Stage 4 Connect with Emotional Pain for Healing 109

"It's Hard for Me to Feel"

Stage 5 Change Your Focus from Perfection to True Happiness 131

"I Want to Risk Self-Acceptance, Where Will My Journey Lead?"

Part III Living Your True Self

Chapter 4 Growing into Your New Imperfect Skin 153

Chapter 5 Breaking the Silence and Discovering a Happier Life 171

Acknowledgments 187

Resources 191

References 193

Interviews

Robinson Rutherford resides in Fayetteville, AR (Washington County).

Editorial Reviews

This is the book that I have been waiting for. I will not only recommend it to many of my patients, but I will also recommend it to friends and colleagues. This book will resonate with so many people, and may open the door to emotional healing for people who have had difficulty labeling their emotional discomfort. It is both very enjoyable and informative to read. Run, don’t walk to get it!”
—Barbara Greenberg, PhD, clinical psychologist specializing in the treatment of teens, children, and families; and coauthor of Teenage as a Second Language

Barbara Greenberg

Margaret Rutherford’s book, Perfectly Hidden Depression, is a unique perspective on a common, but often unrecognized, cause of depression. People who experience this version of depression almost always seem fine on the outside, and give little, if any, signs of their inner suffering…. Driven by perfectionism, unrealistic demands on themselves, and harsh internal self-criticism and shame, they often suffer this hidden form of depression. They feel stuck in an inexplicable trap of depression, and do not know how to change and heal this.

This book is exceptionally written. It clearly describes this condition and maps out concrete strategies for confronting these problems. Aside from many realistic strategies for confronting hidden depression is a core feature of developing more self-compassion and recognizing one’s vulnerability…. I highly recommend this amazing book to those who suffer from depression, the significant others in their lives, as well as psychotherapists.”
—John Preston, PsyD, therapist, author, and professor emeritus at the California School of Professional Psychology and Alliant International University

John Preston

This book can and will save lives. Written with wisdom and compassion, Perfectly Hidden Depression not only sheds light on a growing epidemic, but provides a clear path for coming out of hiding into healing.”
—Pat Love, EdD, licensed marriage and family therapist, and author of The Truth About Love

Pat Love

Margaret Rutherford presents a compassionate perspective on thoughts and feelings rarely revealed. These ‘secret truths’ lie at the heart of Perfectly Hidden Depression. Innovative, self-guided exercises throughout the book encourage readers to explore their individual ‘secret truths’ privately at their own pace. This book offers a unique opportunity for personal growth and contentment.”
—Leah Klungness, PhD, psychologist in private practice, and coauthor of The Complete Single Mother

Leah Klungness

Finally, a book that takes a deep dive into what psychologists have called ‘masked depression,’ but has no diagnostic label. If you are a self-critical perfectionist, and are suffering in silence, this book offers a pathway to getting the help you need. If you know you are in pain but didn’t have the words to ask for help and connect with others, Margaret Robinson Rutherford’s book will offer you a new beginning. You can look forward to transformational self-insights that will help you move from shame to self-compassion.”
—Lara Honos-Webb, PhD, worldwide attention deficit disorder (ADD) expert; clinical psychologist; and author of The Gift of ADHD, The Gift of ADHD Activity Book, The Gift of Adult ADD, The ADHD Workbook for Teens, and Listening to Depression

Lara Honos-Webb

Perfectly Hidden Depression illustrates a critical truth that we need to face: sometimes, the people who appear to have it all together are falling apart. Margaret Rutherford shows us that hiding depression through perfectionism can be deadly. This book shows you how to recognize depression in yourself, overcome the stigma, shed unhealthy perfectionism, and embrace your imperfect self.”
—Sarah Fader, CEO of Stigma Fighters, and coauthor of The 10-Step Depression Relief Workbook

Sarah Fader

For anyone who feels like they don’t ‘deserve’ the label of depression, or for anyone who finds themselves silently stuck in cycles of self-hate, Margaret Rutherford’s work on perfectly hidden depression strikes in a place most literature on depression misses, speaking to a whole group of people who suffer without acknowledging or feeling worthy of their own pain. I recognized myself in these pages, and wish a younger version of myself had been introduced to this book and the helpful reflection prompts within it. I hope it reaches the people who need it.”
—Sarah Schuster, editorial director of contributors at The Mighty

Sarah Schuster

In Perfectly Hidden Depression, Margaret Rutherford shines a powerful and revealing spotlight on an important aspect of depression that receives far too little attention. As she describes in exquisite detail, the relationship between perfectionism and depression is an intense one; it creates a toxic internal environment that robs worthy people of the ability to enjoy even true successes, since perfection rarely, if ever, exists in the real world. Rutherford’s compassion and wisdom is matched by her courage in challenging all of us to expand our understanding of depression in its diverse appearances. The guidance and support she provides here will be invaluable for anyone struggling with these debilitating issues.”
—Michael D. Yapko, PhD, clinical psychologist, and author of Depression Is Contagious and Keys to Unlocking Depression

Michael D. Yapko

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