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Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781546279754 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | AuthorHouse |
| Publication date: | 02/28/2019 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 60 |
| File size: | 7 MB |
Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
Phase 1: Pain
Freeing My Soul
I got to free my soul, cut loose the bondage you once put on me,
Let go of this anger and genuinely wish you well and see you out of my life for good.
I want to let go of thoughts and feelings of inadequacies and stop living in the past,
Wondering if there was anything else I could have done?
I ask God to free my soul and, for once in my life, make me whole.
Help me, Lord, to channel my anger, pain, hurt, and despair into something positive, beautiful,
and uplifting,
Washing away the old me as the new one comes to be.
The girl you knew is no longer; she died along with the dream you sold her.
When I decided to leave, I did not know where I was going, but knew I had to get out!
I was a shell of me, like a damn robot, merely existing and numbing myself to certain feelings.
Being numb for so long has finally taken its toll on me, and now I'm starting to feel the
aftermath. God, please bring me relief; please keep my spirit all the way up.
God, free me, I'm pleading, because I know this is greater than me. I thank you for opening
up my eyes to the possibilities and giving me transparency, because, for a while, I was in a
trance, covered in lies, deceit, and manipulation, which had me in autopilot; I was a robot,
a shell of me. I look back and thank you, God, for delivering me.
Is Pain Love?
I was once told love is kind, patient, understanding, and unconditional,
But the fact is I have never felt this feeling from the men in my life.
For me, love has been pain.
Love for me has been hard,
A constant fight, trying to prove myself worthy,
A struggle,
That resulted in bondage,
Being abused mentally, physically, and emotionally.
This type of love almost killed me.
Never quite feeling as if I were enough,
Never good enough.
Love did not build me up,
Love tried to destroy me.
I was love's new conquest, and eventually it conquered me in the worst way.
It took my mind,
Had me thinking differently.
It made me numb.
Love was the center of my world.
I needed constant gratification.
Was not sure who I was,
Glamorized the wrong things.
Numb
My heart, heavy with numbness from all the pain caused,
No longer feeling anything.
I realized in life you should not feel everything.
Some things are better left numb, because if I still felt them, I might want to act on my feelings
and give in to the insanity,
Repay some people for all the pain they caused me.
Feeling lost, wondering whom can I trust in a world so lost and dark.
God, please do not let them corrupt my soul.
Some things are better left numb, because if I still felt them, they would have me on a watch
from all the pain caused,
Bad memories that come from time to time,
The scars that bruised my soul,
My internal proof.
All this pain bottled up inside; trying to suppress it so it does not explode.
Feeling numb might not be so bad after all.
Feeling numb is my necessity and armor against this cold world.
Mistaking my kindness as weakness,
Dogging me out because you could,
Not realizing you had a diamond in a world full of rhinestones,
Never saw my true potential.
Numb!
Sums up the extreme pain buried deep inside.
Finding myself, recovering and uncovering from the smoke I inhaled, the vapors of negativity
I took in at the hands of you, someone I held close,
You taught me how to be.
I no longer put myself all the way out,
This means being more cautious,
Because I know the risk, and that price is too high.
One must prove worthy before they even get a feeling from me!
Pain
Pain has been the common theme for my life,
How about you?
Pain has made me feel alive.
It's such a shame to become accustomed to the fights and daily struggle.
Seems as if I can't get right.
I have too much on my mind.
I'm unable to concentrate,
Trying to stay focus and keep my eyes on the prize.
Right now, it seems as if the more I try to stay on the straight and narrow, daggers are
constantly being thrown my way.
I'm reminded, however, that these daggers are just a part of war:
Good vs. evil.
We all know the outcome — I'm not worried.
I'm going somewhere, and people cannot stand that.
I'm not going to lie — it gets hard to see past my current circumstances, especially when real
life comes to play,
I constantly get tested, sometimes multiple times a day however I refuse to lose and get up to
fight for another day.
So many responsibilities wrapped around my neck, trying to suffocate me,
Trying to suck all my dreams and hopes away.
Pain, you trying me,
But I will not let you conquer me.
Thin Line
It's a thin line between love and hate.
It was all good just a week ago.
It was all good when I was unsure of who I was.
Now that I'm stepping into who I'm supposed to be, problems suddenly surrounds me.
My inner circle is much smaller.
When did the love escape and the hate creep in?
Was it when you took me for granted?
Or was it When I became more comfortable in my own skin?
Why does love turn to hate?
Two opposite extremes,
Meet in the middle.
Then it all goes bad.
Poof! Just like that, the narrative changed.
Please explain,
Because the lines are blurry.
It's hard to tell.
The ones who once loved you now hate you.
How does that happen?
Does poison get in their veins and infect their brains?
Keep the poison away from me.
It is dangerous.
Lord, keep my veins pure.
Love flows in and out.
Hate has no place.
No time to waste.
Hate makes you weak.
It can't make you great.
It takes your mind,
Has you thinking differently.
When hate takes over, the results are not great.
The same ones I thought loved me,
Showed their true colors,
When I came into myself and wanted more — why is that? It's a thin line between love and hate.
Be grateful for the few in your corner who have genuine love and support you.
Phase 2: Heartbreak
Captivity
Why is my mind being held captive?
Let me go, and set me free,
I'm tired of negative thoughts and past what-ifs playing over and over again in my head like
a broken record.
Let me go, and set me free.
Why do I have to think how you want me to?
My mind is my own,
It belongs to me!
Some days, I feel as if I'm in a mental prison,
Waiting to be set free,
I'm tired of seeing these barriers in my way.
Every day, I try to be positive, but it seems as though negativity always creeps in.
Who left the door open?
Give me some peace.
Let me go, and set me free.
Or ...
Do I hold the key?
Lord, please give me the answer,
I just want to be free.
Never Enough
You want me back now?
Why now?
When you had me, I was never good enough for you.
Always going out of my way for your love,
To the point where I do not even want it now.
Keep it!
Give it to someone else.
Your love is toxic,
Toxic to the core, you know, bad for the soul.
Your love made me doubt myself,
Had me double-checking myself,
Looking in the mirror differently, not recognizing the person looking back.
Love from you was too hard to come by, so keep it.
Since we have been apart,
I've been holding my head high, looking in the mirror and loving what I see,
So why invite back toxic energy?
For what purposes?
Because the love I have for you outweighs the love I have for myself?
Trust and believe you are not worth my love, peace of mind and confidence.
I thank God for closing the door on us so because I became a better version of myself.
Phase 3: Realization
Strength
What is strength?
Is strength hurting someone, or is it being the bigger person and restraining yourself?
I guess it depends on whom you ask.
My strength is tested day after day,
I catch it from every angle to the point that I contemplate,
"Is it even worth it?"
Sometimes, I want to say, "Forget it," and throw my hands up.
But then where would I be?
I'm starting to think strength is getting back up after being knocked down,
Pushing through even when it is painful,
Keeping your head up when you are too tired to hold it up,
Seeing success as the only option.
Strength —
How much can one person take?
I've been strong my entire life;
I cannot recall a time when I was weak.
Strength comes from circumstances.
As diamonds are made from pressure,
I grew into the person I am today because of my circumstances and the pressures placed on me.
I see winning and conquering challenges as the only options.
The journey to get there is trying;
It will test you at every turn.
So put on your seatbelt, and get ready for the ride.
Glass Houses
What are glass houses made of?
It seems glass houses are made of harsh judgment, hypocrisy, jealousy, hate, and negativity.
People who live in glass houses want to discuss everyone's business except their own;
They can find something wrong with everyone except the person staring back at them in the mirror.
Glass houses are built on insecurities;
Glass houses are fake, just like the people who live in them.
People who live in glass houses do the worst things and bury them in their backyards, but the
first chance they get to blast others, they take it.
Instead of being a part of the solution by helping others,
They'd rather tear people down who need encouragement.
People who live in glass houses are miserable;
Their only joy is bringing others down.
Do you live in a glass house?
If so, get out!
You might feel you are on top now, but give it some time, and you will realize you got played.
Instead of living your life,
You observe others;
You will soon figure out you are the fool.
Live and let live.
Be the light.
Encourage, uplift, and help build instead of trying to destroy, because eventually what you
put out will come back, like a boomerang, and shatter your house.
Sacrifices
Sacrifices must be made.
Hurdles must be overcame,
Obstacles pushed out of the way.
Full speed ahead —
No one stopping me,
Because I know where I'm going.
Feet planted on the ground,
Head held up high,
My foundation solid,
The only way I can go from here is up!
Love
Love is something to cherish.
Love is hard to find.
Love takes time.
Love is something to hold on to.
Love makes the difference.
Love makes you listen.
Love makes you want to become a better person.
Love transforms you.
Love starts from within.
Cherish love and realize how far it got you,
Because without it,
Where would you be?
Takeoff
Get up!
Get going!
Get up!
Get going!
Your plane is here,
And Takeoff is in five minutes.
You are not ready?
What do you mean?
Hurry up!
Get up!
Get going!
Planes do not come around here often.
Most will never have a plane,
So Get up And own the moment —
Or The next time you see a plane,
It is not going to be for you!
Remember to cherish the moment.
Be grateful, because only a few get to experience something so special,
So live in the moment.
Dreams
Turning my dreams into my reality.
Growing up, no one told me it would be this hard for my dreams to come true.
It appears you must make a choice.
One cannot have both;
You are either taking the regular route or daring to be different and live outside the box.
We all have dreams.
Some are okay leaving it at that, while others are not.
My dreams will not let me rest.
My dreams are my fire;
They are the reason I get up day after day.
I feel this fire in my belly;
It fuels me every day.
When times get tough and I want to throw my hands up, I feel intense pain in my gut.
Boom!
An explosion, saying, "Get up and go get it."
The time is now.
My dreams remind me my current circumstances are temporary and that this too shall pass.
I cannot let go of my dream, because I refuse to be another lost soul.
No, that route is not for me.
My dreams are the reason I wake up; without them, I wonder if I would survive.
Choices
In the city, stuck between two choices,
Do I?
Will I?
Should I?
Or Do I walk away?
Stuck in the middle,
Not sure which way to turn,
Realizing the risk associated with each; however, I'm looking for the best option, so which
outweighs the other?
I'm starting to realize my morals, values, and ethics are challenged by the daily choices made.
Some of the choices I know are not always "morally correct," but life forces you to do things
you do not always want to do.
Life has a way of shaking things up.
Only the strong will survive in this dark world.
I'm learning to be flexible.
Life has forced my hands plenty of times.
I'm not the young, naive girl I used to be.
Day by day, the ideas that were once in my head about life get washed away with every decision
I make.
I'm a grown woman now, making decisions.
In the battle, I will always keep my head up, right or wrong,
Because Life is not always so clear-cut, and I got to do what I have to — we all do!
Hopefully, on the other side, I will see the answers why and no longer secretly question every
tough decision I have been forced to make.
I'm living day by day,
Handling what life throws my way,
The best way I know how.
Him
He's physically my type,
Eyes, lips, height,
For a minute I thought this might be right and then I stopped and realized,
He's not bringing it.
Some might call me stuck up or hard to please because I'm looking past his physical features
and he simply does not measure up.
You are older than me,
Yet, I have more to show for my life,
You can't give me anything but a good time, and I'd rather keep it between those lines,
Not trying to turn nothing into something because consequences are soon to follow,
I rather skip those problems,
You and I are on different levels not in a superficial way but something deeper than that more
in a spiritual way.
I'm trying to go somewhere,
Be somebody,
Do things I was told I would never do,
Have a family, and you can't provide any of those things for me.
I know we all have to start out somewhere, but you should have started long ago,
Now you're behind, playing catch-up.
I know how this story goes because I have been here before.
Once the love dries up, all I will have to hold on to is excuses and promises of a better
tomorrow.
No, thank you,
I choose my life,
I don't let life choose for me.
I know what I want and you do not fit,
This is not a one size fits all situation,
I appreciate you trying,
But I'm done playing games and I'm on to greater things.
I'm too grown to be playing "Ride or Die" for a man who is not worth it.
I will wait for my king,
Because I refuse to sacrifice my years, body, and time for a man who does not measure up.
Everything Ain't What It Seems
Behind the smiles,
Wide eyes,
Parties,
Lies the truth.
The truth is you are not happy but too caught up with life.
Trying to believe the image you have become,
Trying your hardest not to crack under all the pressure.
Behind those smiling eyes Are dried up tears inside, wanting everything to be fine,
But at times Realizing it is not.
The front you've put on for so long is ready to collapse,
Rushing down,
Boom! Crash! It collapsed.
There goes the perfect image you damn near killed yourself to uphold.
Instead of focusing on your real happiness,
You got caught up in the superficial.
Didn't you know that is a mere fantasy?
It disappears day by day with life.
When the illusion fades,
Real life still stays.
Stop getting so easily caught up with others' perceptions, because if you are in too deep you
drown in it.
Stop and think and be true to yourself!
Raising My Son
When you were a little girl, did you dream of one day having a family?
Yes, when I was little, I wanted a huge family, not knowing what it took to raise a child. The fantasy I had growing up is not my reality. My reality is far different from what I pictured before. Raising my son is the most challenging job I have ever had.
I remember when I was pregnant and wanting a son, not realizing what I was truly asking for. When my son was younger, and to this day, people always give me compliments on him, and I appreciate them; however, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Honestly speaking, I wonder, when are black boys done being cute or adorable and seen as something to fear? Before you go on to read the rest, I challenge you to think about the question. I dread the day my son will have to face an ignorant person in life who judges him by his appearance and claim "scared" because of their ignorant ideas of what a black boy, a young black man, and a man is. How will I explain this to him? Why should any parent have to explain ignorance to their child? All parents are afraid to raise children in this world, because we see the good and bad side of society; however, black and brown parents have ten times the fear of a white parent. We have to explain things to our children others would never think to explain. When my son asks, "Why, Mommy," what do I tell him? This is how the world is. Why must he be so different?
The world we live in is designed for the men and boys of color to fail. When they are younger, they are viewed as no threat, but when they approach adolescence, all the innocence is washed away with darkness. Why? I'm raising my son to be respectful, intelligent, caring, encouraging, and an overall good person. I'm instilling morals and values in him, but none of it matters, because most see will only see his physical appearance. Through it all, I'm teaching my son to love being black and to have thick skin, because in this world, you will need it. I'm teaching my son to know who he is so when another receives him to be a "threat," he will prove them wrong. We must teach our sons to rise above negative stereotypes. But still I wonder, how far will this go in a world designed against us?
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Soulful Devotions"
by .
Copyright © 2019 Dominique.
Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Acknowledgments, v,
Phase 1: Pain,
Freeing My Soul, 3,
Is Pain Love?, 4,
Numb, 5,
Pain, 8,
Thin Line, 10,
Phase 2: Heartbreak,
Captivity, 14,
Never Enough, 15,
Phase 3: Realization,
Strength, 18,
Glass Houses, 19,
Sacrifices, 20,
Love, 21,
Takeoff, 22,
Dreams, 25,
Choices, 27,
Him, 29,
Everything Ain't What It Seems, 31,
Raising My Son, 34,
Phase 4: Breakthrough,
Black Women, 39,
Foundation, 42,
Phone, 44,
Counted Me Out, 46,
Stars, 48,
Wise, 49,
Growing Pains, 50,
Single, 52,
Happy, 55,
No Apologies, 57,
Bold Woman, 58,
Letter to the Readers, 60,