The Examined Life: How We Lose and Find Ourselves

by Stephen Grosz

Overview

An extraordinary book for anyone eager to understand the hidden motives that shape our lives.

We are all storytellers—we create stories to make sense of our lives. A moving collection of short, personal encounters between a psychoanalyst and his patients, The Examined Life reveals how the art of insight can illuminate the most complicated, confounding, and human of experiences. Ultimately, these stories show us not only how we love ourselves but how we might find ourselves.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780393349320
Publisher:	Norton, W. W. & Company, Inc.
Publication date:	05/12/2014
Pages:	240
Sales rank:	385,453
Product dimensions:	5.60(w) x 8.30(h) x 0.70(d)

About the Author

Stephen Grosz is a practicing psychoanalyst who has worked with patients for more than twenty-five years. Born in America, educated at the University of California, Berkeley, and at Oxford University, he now lives in London.

Table of Contents

Preface xi

Beginnings

How we can be possessed by a story that cannot be told 1

On laughter 11

How praise can cause a loss of confidence 18

The gift of pain 23

A safe house 28

Telling Lies

On secrets 39

On not being in a couple 44

A passion for ignorance 55

On intimacy 63

The bigger the front 67

Loving

At home 73

How paranoia can relieve suffering and prevent a catastrophe 81

On the recovery of lost feelings 86

Why parents envy their children 91

On wanting the impossible 96

On hate 101

How lovesickness keeps us from love 109

Changing

How a fear of loss can cause us to lose everything 121

How negativity prevents our surrender to love 125

On losing a wallet 130

A change in the family 136

Why we lurch from crisis to crisis 141

On being boring 146

On mourning the future 151

How anger can keep us from sadness 158

On being a patient 167

Going back 179

On bearing death 189

Leaving

Through silence 199

On closure 206

On waking from a dream 211

Sources and Notes 217

Acknowledgements 223

Editorial Reviews

"Beautifully written…The insights here will cut close to the bone."

Nature - Dinah Loon

"A peek into the human psyche…Marked by a clear absence of technical jargon…An immensely personal work, and something much more than just a legacy of advice."

Daily Beast - Lucy Scholes

"Impossible to put down…it will leave you wiser about humanity than you were when you picked it up."

Andrew Solomon

"Grosz’s vignettes are so brilliantly put together that they read like pieces of bare, illuminating fiction…utterly captivating."

Sunday Times - Robert Collins

"By turns edifying and moving. Grosz offers astute insights into the perplexities of everyday life."

Financial Times - Trisha Andres

"Shares the best literary qualities of Freud’s most persuasive work. It is…an insightful and beautifully written book…a series of slim, piercing chapters that read like a combination of Chekhov and Oliver Sacks. [A] deeply affecting book."

New York Times - Michiko Kakutani

"Magnetically compelling…The result is a shared sense of humanity, understanding and even hope."

Boston Globe - Kate Tuttle

Grosz could get technical if he wanted to—he teaches clinical technique and psychoanalytic theory at London’s Institute of Psychoanalysis and University College London, respectively—but he believes the best way to prove the power of storytelling is to practice what he preaches. Drawing from two decades of experience as a working psychoanalyst, Grosz bases the bulk of his claims on the tales of his patients, which range from traumatic boarding school experiences to failed romances and terminal illness. They are compassionately told and eminently readable, but skeptical readers will likely lament the lack of scientific analysis. But then again, that’s Grosz’s whole point—science needn’t be at the forefront if cathartic personal narrative is the focus. The crucial role of storytelling in forming one’s sense of self and of the world seems to be a given among psychoanalysts and writers, but Grosz goes further to demonstrate the ways in which stories, when unspoken, manifest themselves as symptoms of psychological distress. Quick leaps from focused accounts to grand conclusions sometimes disrupt the rhetorical arc of the book, though this in itself might be in keeping with the overall idea that narratives are messy, unpredictable, and somehow, in spite of all of these things, inherently useful—if not always in the words, then in the silences between them. Agent: David Miller, Rogers, Coleridge & White Ltd. (May)

Publishers Weekly

Brilliant…After reading [Grosz’s] absorbing accounts of his patients’ journeys you might feel that The Examined Life ought to be given out free at birth.”

Times (London)

By turns edifying and moving…Grosz offers astute insights into the perplexities of everyday life.”

Financial Times (London)

This book conveys the nuanced complexities of psychoanalysis in deceptively simple human stories. It is written with generosity toward both its subjects and its readers, with authentic wit, and with flashes of profound insight. The novelistic charm of its case histories makes it impossible to put down, but while you may read it for entertainment, it will leave you wiser about humanity than you were when you picked it up.”

National Book Award–winning author of Far fr Andrew Solomon

Grosz’s vignettes are so brilliantly put together that they read like pieces of bare, illuminating fiction…It is this combination of tenacious detective work, remarkable compassion, and sheer, unending curiosity for the oddities of the human heart that makes these stories utterly captivating.”

Sunday Times (London)

Engaging, frank, and with many penetrating insights. His short, succinct chapters have both the tension and the satisfaction of miniature detective or mystery stories…A stimulating book.”

Spectator (London)

"Engaging, frank,and with many penetrating insights. His short, succinct chapters have both the tension and the satisfaction of miniature detective or mystery stories."

The Spectator - Michael Holroyd

"A beautifully written, affirmative, and nuanced account of a professional life in service to psychoanalytic healing… a work of exceptional grace."

Psychoanalytic Psychology - Kimberlyn Leary

"[Grosz] compresses years of analysis into short chapters that feel like minimalist, suspenseful detective stories. At the end of each story, a secret is revealed; often, it’s a secret which you’ve also kept."

The New Yorker - Joshua Rothman

"Marvellous. After reading [Grosz's] absorbing accounts of his patients' journeys you might feel that The Examined Life ought to be given out free at birth."

The Times (UK) - Melissa Katsoulis

A British psychoanalyst delves into his patients' stories, opening doors to larger insights. Today's medical culture emphasizes measurability, accountability and evidence-based practice, a logical approach that favors treatments "proven" effective. The results of psychoanalysis and counseling, however, aren't always so quantifiable. Understanding of our motivations, misfires and fears may come in fits and starts, and the answers may come as questions, but the insights gained can shift the course of a life. Grosz's book makes a compelling case for the continued value of this kind of therapy. Each chapter takes the form of a story or vignette about a particular individual or therapeutic issue. A patient referred for suicidal ideation is distant in treatment, and then, one day, his fiancee sends a letter to Grosz stating that he took his own life--but months later, Grosz gets a phone call from the man. Another patient's personal and professional lives suffer since he's intensely boring--but if he can identify when he's boring someone, why is he unwilling to change? Some of the chapters sketch out only general details about a case, leaving readers to draw their own conclusions about the meanings Grosz is trying to convey. Others take a central question, such as, "Why are we so committed to praising our children?" and turn it over and around like a Rubik's Cube. Grosz has an engaging prose style, neither riddled with professional jargon nor dumbed down to connect with a wider audience. A book that challenges readers' thinking while also assuming their willingness to put some effort into drawing their own conclusions from the material.

Kirkus Reviews