|Publisher:||Page Two Books, Inc.|
|Product dimensions:||5.00(w) x 7.00(h) x (d)|
|Age Range:||18 Years|
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
Intro to The Jackass in Transit.
It was the first day of our sixth Disney Carribean Cruise. We’d gathered for the mandatory safety demonstration; picture the flight attendant safety dance - but with already inflated life jackets, a crowded deck filed with eager kids waiting to get their Mickey on, and a lot of tired, overwhelmed looking parents wondering if they should have saved the money for college/therapy. Once you’ve boarded the ship, this is the only thing everyone has to do. If everyone is on time and reasonably calm for attendance, the whole thing lasts about ten minutes. Of course as you’d imagine, that ten minutes can feel like a lifetime to a hopped up toddler, with only this minutia between him and kid heaven.
We lined up with our kids, all teenagers with years of Disney experience under their belt. There was some minor pushing and shoving, and a lot of teasing about how Alison now had to line up at the front (damn you height based line up). Beside us a young, rookie family with three children all under 5 years old, two overwhelmed looking parents, a stroller, and their nanny.
We’ll call them the Just Barely Keeping It Togethersons.
As they struggled to line up, the dad carried his eldest and pulled out every trick in the Bribing a Kid Handbook. We smiled understandingly and assured them it would be over soon, and there was child care and a spa on the horizon. This too shall pass.
Then, as our friendly Disney wrangler demonstrated the life vest, Mr. Just Barely Keeping It Togetherson dropped his son. Like, full on dropped him on the ground.
The tears began from the child, who wailed loudly. Mom grabbed him up, trying to quiet him and we overheard Dad explain the child had grabbed his sunglasses and stabbed him in the eye with their arm.
Let the Jackassery begin.
Alison the Jackass made sure our kids knew that she’d travelled many times with three kids under 5 and never, ever dropped any of them. Without the help of a partner or nanny. And seriously, who needs a nanny on a cruise anyway?! The adults weren’t even out numbered! A one to one, kid to adult ratio, is like a vacation unto itself! Who can’t keep a kid quiet for a few minutes? People are the worst!!
The whole thing lasted about fifteen minutes. We smiled at the family and wished them good luck, then our kids ran off for food and we went to sit quietly with our books until dinner. Feeling pretty damn good about ourselves and our choices. Maybe if other people didn’t rely on a nanny all the time, their kids would be better behaved. And really, what kind of parent drops their kid?
After dinner that evening, we went to a movie on the ship. And as Scott sat down with his 3D glasses in hand, he slipped and promptly stabbed himself in the eye with the glasses.
Call it Jackass Karma.
He sat through the movie with his one eye watering, tightly closed in his best Pirates of the Caribbean impression. About ten minutes in, he leaned over, clearly in pain and said, “I read this book about self defence and they tell you to go for your attackers eye first. Before his balls. We need to find that family, I totally would have dropped that kid. I would have dropped the most valuable faberge egg in the world. I would have dropped all our kids.”
Table of Contents1. Introduction
2. The Jackass goes to work
3. The Jackass goes to the gym
4. The Jackass has a kid
5. The Jackass in the wild
6. The Jackass goes to school
7. The Jackass goes to the mall
8. The Jackass is online
10. Cosmo Quiz