Women & Recovery: Sex, Sobriety, & Stepping Up: Practical Suggestions for Quality Living in Recovery

by Ann D. Clark

Overview

In Women and Recovery: Sex, Sobriety and Stepping Up, Ann D. Clark, Ph.D, provides readers with a no-nonsense, step-by-step guide to giving up anything. Clark explains how to conquer addictions using a lighthearted approach. Addressing such problems as substance abuse, overeating, shopping, or simply patterns in relationships, she gives her practical tips from a very relatable and realistic experience: her own. The journey into recovered living and self-knowledge is the purpose for this collection of experiences, and the suggestions found in Women and Recovery can make that journey smoother and more enduring for readers and their loved ones.

Whether you are dependent on relationships, food, drama, drugs, alcohol, or the alcoholic, this guide offers assistance. You do not have to have used drugs to experience the pain of withdrawal-sugar, food, relationships, or even caffeine will do. Women and Recovery is for those who seek to improve their quality of life, obtain a lasting and significant relationship, and gain practical advice.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781475972832
Publisher:	iUniverse, Incorporated
Publication date:	02/07/2013
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
File size:	155 KB

Read an Excerpt

Women & Recovery: Sex, Sobriety, & Stepping Up

Practical Suggestions for Quality Living in Recovery

---

By Ann D. Clark

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2013 Ann D. Clark, PhD.
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4759-7282-5

---

Chapter One

Relationships and Emotions: Sex is a Slippery Place

"Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker," quipped humorist Ogden Nash, summarizing an age-old view of the relationship between alcohol and sex. Our own experience and common sense tells us that alcohol affects sexual behavior. Whether used by the awkward Seth from Superbad to lower his inhibitions in order to finally "get it in" with Jules, or the timid Evan to bolster courage, alcohol is associated with sexual activity in a variety of ways. Sex in sobriety represents a potentially slippery place for women. The newly recovering person, and many "old-timers," may find that sex and dating are uncomfortable without the ease of alcohol and drugs—social lubricants that bolster confidence, lower inhibitions, and mask feelings.

A newcomer recovering from alcoholism, Monica D. points out this dilemma: "I'm really confused. I used to be a party girl. I was popular and dated a lot. I'm divorced now, but I had no trouble when I was single and dating my husband. Now that I'm about six months sober I'm awkward around men. I'm afraid of what they'll think of me. I don't know what to say and I act shy (which I'm not). Also, I don't seem to desire sex. What can I do? I don't want to drink again."

To better understand the relationship of sexual activity and addiction, let's look at what the process actually does. Alcohol or any drug, including food, affects the brain to lower inhibitions and enable people to act in ways which may be contrary to their value systems. In a survey of 3000 women aged 18-50, four out of 10 had been drinking when they slept with their partner for the first time. A whopping 75 percent liked to drink before getting into bed with their husband or boyfriend. More than 50 percent claimed drinking was "part of the dating process" and 14 percent said they can't sleep with their partner without a couple glasses of wine (Herald Sun 2009). Thus, we can see that alcohol and drugs are closely connected to most women's sexual experiences.

Alcohol-related sexual dysfunction presents further complications. For both men and women, alcohol affects orgasmic intensity and overall satisfaction and pleasure. In men who abuse alcohol, testosterone levels are reduced, and impotency may be an immediate side effect. The problems may continue in sobriety. Both sexes have said they have a lack of sexual desire in early recovery (University of Illinois).

Moreover, sexual abuse is present in the histories of recovering women in much higher numbers than in the normal population. Research shows women who were physically or sexually abused as children have a higher likelihood of having drinking problems, and women with a family history of alcoholism are more likely to abuse alcohol than men ("Women & Alcohol").

While sexual issues and abusive experiences may present significant obstacles in the early stages of recovery, the good news is most sexual functions return very quickly. Psychological progress and spiritual awakening occur more slowly. While singles may find this simply inconvenient and frustrating, a difficult problem is presented for marrieds who have a history of sexual performance (or non-performance) as well as expectations of a partner.

Understanding and information will help recovery. There is no doubt that early recovery is a time of confusion and emotional instability. The greatest sexual changes are reported as happening in the first three months. This is consistent with the wisdom of AA, which suggests that new relationships should be avoided in the first year of recovery.

While individual reactions may vary greatly (age, hormone levels, history, support systems, and consumption patterns are factors), it may be helpful to view problems of sexual dysfunction in early sobriety as part of the mainstream experience. Impotency in men, lack of desire in both sexes, fear, and discomfort may be common in early recovery. They are also good reasons for the novice in recovery to abstain from sexual activities during the first phase of sobriety. The associated problems—lack of self-esteem and insecurity—may obscure early recovery goals. Focusing on sexual relationships will further cloud the issues of staying clean and sober, including other forms of abstinence.

It is important for the newcomer to accept that sexual performance is not a primary objective at this time. In the struggle for self-esteem and dignity, the recovering woman can give herself permission to take sexual control of her life and body. Accepting that the body not only needs time to recover from the physiological effects of substance abuse, but must also rebuild sexual functioning, may remove some of the guilt, anxiety and tension around sex in sobriety. Here are some suggestions which may be helpful:

• Seek out same-sex meetings and share your concerns. Be open and honest with your sponsors. Ask about their experience.

• Include sexual experiences in Steps 4 and 5, or do a sexual 4th.

• Consider celibacy for the early phase of sobriety. Avoid new relationships for at least 90 days.

• Communicate openly and frankly to your partner (if you have one) about your needs and feelings.

• Learn more about your body. Many easy-to-read and informative books are found on the internet in abundance.

• Don't hesitate to seek professional help. Ask other recovering individuals to refer you to a therapist or specialized support group.

• Finally, write about it—the experience will be cathartic, and may be the start of your own book.

Chapter Two

Men Suffer Too

Both physiological and emotional problems affect sexual relationships in the early months of sobriety. Some important factors included alcohol as a social lubricant; beliefs that alcohol and drugs may seem to enhance sexual desire and enjoyment; sexual dysfunction as a result of alcohol abuse, including impotency and loss of desire; and sexual abuse—an important part of many women's histories. Men are often confused in early recovery also.

Eddie, recovering from both drug and alcohol abuse, says, "I really learn a lot from listening to women. I guess now that I am over a year sober, I know that I have been afraid of women, and often was abusive to them because of that fear. My mother was an alcoholic and pretty abusive to me and my brothers. I guess I thought all women had that potential. Sex was about the best thing women had to offer. I guess that sounds awful to a woman, but I'm glad that changed in sobriety. I'm just learning how to date and really talk to women. Sex is a little frightening without warming up with a few drinks, but when my sponsor suggested holding off for a few months, I was relieved. I don't like the word celibacy, but I guess that has helped me a lot in relaxing and getting more comfortable with women."

Like many other men, Eddie associated dating and sex with alcohol. His dysfunctional childhood experiences affected his adult relationships. He is learning, perhaps for the first time, that he can become intimate without the fear of his mother's abusive behavior subconsciously affecting him. He is also learning that alcohol did not make relationships and intimacy easier, but rather made him act in ways that prevented real intimacy.

Rosa speaks of sexual confusion as a distraction from building the foundations of early recovery; "I learned that I wasn't just compulsive about alcohol, but about anything that stopped me from feeling. I found I was very attractive to a lot of men in the program, and did not understand "13-stepping," [a term referring to dating newcomers]. I was very vulnerable and lonely. I confused their sexual interest in me with genuine caring and I stopped listening in the meetings. I was almost as compulsive in sexual areas as I had been in drinking. Luckily, I got a great woman to be my sponsor and she helped me see that recovery comes first."

Maria J., a compulsive overeater, says, "It seems like all my life men had disappointed me. My father had deserted us when I was very young, but I remember being very loyal to him. I began to think all men would abandon me like he did ... I was really amazed at how fears of abandonment and sexual issues were related. I think many of us use sex to prove we're not rejected."

Women often discover that early sexual relationships can cause both slips and possibly help. Rosa goes on about her early sexual experience in sobriety; "I felt so low and unworthy that his interest in me seemed the only reason to stay sober. I knew I wasn't supposed to get in a relationship so quickly, but it did so much for my self-esteem."

Janet S. said, "I really found the idea of celibacy was very helpful. I'd been having some real up and down feelings about sex—one minute thinking about desire, and the next minute wondering if I would ever want sex again. My sponsor said that these feelings were normal. I decided to abstain from sex in my first year and try dating—something I had never experienced as a teenager. It was great."

Here's a comment from Elizabeth T. who practices both an Al-Anon and AA program: "I think we should read the Big Book on this topic. It talks a lot about motives and motivation. Here's a part I like: 'We tried to shape a sane idea for our future sex life. We subjected the relationship to this test: Was it selfish or noble? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly, nor to be despised and loathed.'"

If you are interested in reading more about this topic, the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous, and As Bill Sees It (with five sections on sex) are excellent sources.

Chapter Three

Love? Of Course: Self-Love

Serena, recently divorced and six months sober, lives in a recovery home. She has little privacy and feels anxious much of the time. She is fearful of involvement with men, although she misses the physical closeness she had with her ex-husband. She is afraid to date again—at 46 she doesn't know how, but feels a need for sex. She has considered masturbation, but her religious training told her this was immoral and abnormal. She wonders why she can't control her feelings.

Joanie, at 23, is only 17 days sober. She has a boyfriend who is very supportive. They've had a good sexual relationship, but recently, since getting sober, she's felt a loss of desire. She heard some women in a closed meeting talking about vibrators and using them with their partners. Joanie's never even seen one. She's wondering if something's wrong with her. This whole sex thing seems to be changing.

Natalie, very experienced with men, even casually in her drinking and using days, feels comfortable with her own sexuality. Sober six years, at 36 she finds her dates are limited by her own selectivity and higher standards. She wonders if masturbation might enhance her feelings of being okay without a man in her life. But it seems a little too self-contained; what if she gets so completely satisfied she doesn't ever want a man again?

These scenarios were prompted recently when I was asked to speak to a group of recovering women ranging in sobriety from a few days to four years. The topic at their recovery home was "Sex and Early Recovery." I immediately thought back to my own early days of sobriety. Though very shaky and ill, I immediately noticed at my first recovery meeting the number of good-looking men. I thought to myself, "Where were these guys when I was in the bars?" But as time passed and "13-stepping" became part of my own experience, I listened to advice from other women: "Men will pinch your ass, but women will save it."

In early sobriety, dating, relationships and sexual experiences represent potential danger—or slippery places. There is talk about celibacy, no relationships in the first year, dating in or out of the program, and much more. Whatever opinion you share, as a woman, sex was often associated with negative experience.

Frequently, women have little sexual education, are often ill-informed about their own anatomy and physiology, and certainly are not ready to move into relationships in the shaky and confusing days of early sobriety.

Self-love includes masturbation. Almost no sexual issue is without controversy. Certainly masturbation is fraught with misconceptions, guilt-ridden attitudes, misunderstandings and fears. Nothing is more normal or natural than touching oneself for pleasure. Babies do this when they play with their toes. Men do this by stroking a beard or mustache. Sometimes we touch ourselves in a painful way—pinching ourselves to stay awake, or biting our lips to avoid saying something we'll regret. These are all ways of stimulating ourselves.

Masturbation, self-stimulation of the genital or arousal areas (erogenous zones), becomes part of the first orgasmic experience for most young adults, usually in early adolescence. Nearly all men and the majority of women masturbate during adolescence. Again, this is very normal and natural. It becomes a way of learning about sexual gratification before a young person is ready for the intimacy and experience of a sexual partner. In fact, it was reported over 80 percent "really enjoy masturbating" and over 90 percent don't feel guilty about it afterward (Vogels 2010).

This same phase, I think, is important in early sobriety. Most women, and many men, have had numerous negative sexual experiences prior to entering recovery. Studies report as high as 75 percent of women entering inpatient treatment and a high percentage of recovering women in general have been sexually abused; an estimated 70 to 80 percent of men's and women's first sexual experience involved alcohol.

So, relearning about sex, experiencing a period of sexual gratification without emotional and physical involvement with a partner may be an important part of that solid foundation upon which our recovery should be built.

Unfortunately, too many people grow up learning that masturbation is not okay. That it is not normal, not natural. Whether in the form of jokes, or the very real stigmas and punishments imposed by churches, authorities, and parents, society participates in creating guilt, shame, secrecy, and fear around this simple and natural practice. The recovering person, likely to come from a dysfunctional family, is a ready candidate for guilt and shame, and needs special re-education in this area.

Why do we masturbate? The answer is simple. It feels good. It is often comforting in loneliness, meets physiological needs and provides a release of sexual tension. Masturbation is a good stress reducer. It is a harmless physical pleasure. Why is it important in early sobriety? For women especially, the emotional highs and lows of early sobriety may be confused with feelings of loneliness. Too often relationships have formed a barrier against being alone, self-reliance, getting to know oneself, getting to know other women. There are many reasons both women and men get into relationships which are not good choices.

Masturbation provides a sexual release, an experiment with pleasure that, for many women, has previously only been associated with sex with a partner. Perhaps an even more important reason is getting to know your own body, taking care of that body and pampering it.

Taking care of all of ourselves—our spiritual growth, physical health, friendships, family and program of sobriety—includes taking care of physical and sexual needs. Bodies need stimulation. We need to feel loved, including feeling loved by ourselves.

I repeat some advice from the Big Book: "We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them? We reviewed our own conduct ... were we at fault and what should we have done instead? In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We remember always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly, nor to be despised and loathed ... the right answer will come, if we want it" (Big Book 2012).

Am I dating myself when I reminisce that sex used to be fun? I'm talking about the days b.p. (before the pill) with the Russian-roulette of pregnancy and the steamy, hours-long make-out sessions in the back seat (talk about aerobics). Remember when virginity was a tradable commodity? I even remember when garter belts were necessary—not an erotic invention of Victoria's Secret.

(Continues...)

---

Excerpted from Women & Recovery: Sex, Sobriety, & Stepping Up by Ann D. Clark Copyright © 2013 by Ann D. Clark, PhD.. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

---

Table of Contents

Contents

I. About the Author....................vii
II. Acknowledgments....................xi
III. Introduction....................xiii
1. Relationships and Emotions: Sex is a Slippery Place....................1
2. Men Suffer Too....................5
3. Love? Of Course: Self-Love....................8
4. Sober Fun: A Contradiction in Terms?....................20
5. The Struggle for Intimacy....................23
6. Our Emotions Include Anger....................26
7. Who, Me?....................33
8. Physical Health....................38
9. "HERstress"....................41
10. Your Job: Antidote to Stress....................46
11. Life as Stress....................49
12. Combat Holiday Stress....................52
13. How Your Body Reacts....................59
14. What Is the I.S.?....................62
15. Research Looks at Life....................64
16. A New Beginning....................71
17. Next Step....................74
18. Achieving Serenity....................76
19. Alone. But Not Lonely....................79
20. Surrender to Win: You've Given Everything But Up....................83
21. My Experience....................87
22. Coping with Change....................90