Beware of God

Beware of God

by Shalom Auslander


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Shalom Auslander's stories in Beware of God have the mysterious punch of a dream. They are wide ranging and inventive: A young Jewish man's inexplicable transformation into a very large, blond, tattooed goy ends with an argument over whether or not his father can beat his unclean son with a copy of the Talmud. A pious man having a near-death experience discovers that God is actually a chicken, and he's forced to reconsider his life — and his diet. At God's insistence, Leo Schwartzman searches Home Depot for supplies for an ark. And a young boy mistakes Holocaust Remembrance Day as emergency preparedness training for the future.

Auslander draws upon his upbringing in an Orthodox Jewish community in New York State to craft stories that are filled with shame, sex, God, and death, but also manage to be wickedly funny and poignant.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780743264570
Publisher: Simon & Schuster
Publication date: 04/28/2006
Pages: 208
Sales rank: 831,878
Product dimensions: 5.00(w) x 7.00(h) x 0.70(d)

About the Author

Shalom Auslander was raised as an Orthodox Jew in Spring Valley, New York. Nominated for the Koret Award for writers under thirty-five, he has published articles in Esquire and has had stories aired on NPR's This American Life. He lives in New York City.

Read an Excerpt

The War of the Bernsteins

These are the things that Bernstein carried in the brown, broken suitcase he kept under his bed in the hope that the Messiah would arrive in the middle of the night: two pairs of black socks, one pair of black pants, a white shirt, one Book of Psalms, some rugalach, three yarmulkes, a spare set of phylacteries, two prayer shawls (one for weekdays, one for Sabbath) and a bathing suit because you never know.

"In the World to Come," the rabbis would say to Bernstein, "there will be eternal happiness and joy."

"In the World to Come," Bernstein would say to his wife, "there will be eternal happiness and joy."

"I'm sorry you're so miserable here," Mrs. Bernstein replied from her post before the kitchen sink.

Bernstein lived every moment of this life in hopeful preparation for the next. Forty-five years of Torah study had convinced him not only of the sordidness of this world, but of the perfection and euphoria of the World to Come. As he got older, and that world steadily approached, Bernstein became ever more careful. Just last month, he had celebrated his fiftieth birthday.

"You're halfway to dead!" joked the birthday card Mrs. Bernstein had left for him. Mrs. Bernstein had a suitcase under her bed, too, but it wasn't packed for the Messiah.

Bernstein decided that with half his life already over, he was running out of time to score points. From now on, every action he took and every deed he considered would be put through a thorough cost/benefit analysis of reward versus punishment.

If he found himself to be too tired for morning services, he would remind himself of just how many rewards he'd receive in the World to Come if he could only get out of bed. He measured the lure of a one-time bacon double cheeseburger against the everlasting joy of love and peace. He weighed sitting in a buddy booth at the Show World Peep Center with an erection in his hand against sitting among the holy forefathers in the Garden of Eden with a crown of eternal love on his head.

The spiritual mathematics consumed him.

Was obeying a negative prohibition worth the same amount of reward in the World to Come as fulfilling a positive commandment? Would the inaction of negative prohibitions really be as rewarded as the deliberate action of positive commandments? If they were, could Bernstein simply not do those things that were negatively prohibited in this world and still be rewarded handsomely in the next, rather than actively doing those things that were positively commanded only to receive pretty much the same reward in the World to Come as if he had simply not done that which had been negatively prohibited? Would he actually be rewarded for not doing something, or would he just not receive the punishment he would have received if he had violated the negative prohibition? Then again, if the commandment was positive and he would receive punishment for not doing it, then would he receive rewards for doing it? Or was it just the not doing it that God was concerned with?

It gave Bernstein a terrible headache.

Mrs. Bernstein was only thirty-four years old last May, and was thus far more concerned with her lot in this world than with her lot in what was, in her own estimation, a decidedly dubious next.

"Let's go to the movies," Mrs. Bernstein said one boring Sunday afternoon.

Bernstein thought of all the cursing and immorality and nudity he might witness on the big screen, and how much euphoria in the World to Come it would cost him. Your nakedness will be exposed and your shame uncovered. I will take vengeance; I will spare no one.

"Nah," said Bernstein.

He briefly wondered if by renting The Ten Commandments he could be said to have fulfilled the commandment to fill your heart and mind with Torah all the day and all the night.

"Well, if we're staying home anyway," Mrs. Bernstein said, "let's make love." She grabbed him playfully around his waist. "Right here," she said, "in the kitchen!" Bernstein thought about how many rules of modesty that would cause him to violate, and how much ecstasy in the World to Come it could possibly cost him. And the Lord said, because the cry of Sodom and Gomorrah is great, and because their sin is very grievous.

"I'm tired," Bernstein said.

Mrs. Bernstein decided that if Bernstein thought she was going to waste her life securing his front-row seat in the afterlife, he had another thing coming. And it wasn't euphoria.

She decided to fight blessings with curses, piety with profanity. For every commandment, there was a prohibition. For every reward, there was a punishment. For every mitzvah, there was an equal and opposite aveyrah.

She bought a red silk nightie at Victoria's Secret and wore it casually around the house. She would cause him two sinful thoughts for every pious one in his thoughtless little head.

She bought jeans.

He spilled his semen on the ground....What he did was wicked in the Lord's sight, so He put him to death.

The spiritual mathematics consumed her.

On the outside chance that there actually was a World to Come, she certainly didn't want to sacrifice her own rewards in the next life just to ruin his. Mrs. Bernstein didn't mind going to the Seventh Level of Hell, so long as she could walk to the edge, look down below and see Mr. Bernstein burning in the Eighth.

Sin selection became critical: she had to make sure that nothing she was doing to cause him to sin was actually costing her more points than his resultant sin would end up costing him — committing murder, for instance, just to get him to turn on the light on Shabbos. A felony, if you will, just to cause a misdemeanor. But what if the punishment for causing a sin was not only the punishment for the sin of causing someone to sin, but was also the punishment for the sin of whatever sin she caused? That is, would conspiracy to cause masturbation see her charged with both conspiracy and masturbation? Of course, if the total punishment of causing a sin is a sin of causation plus the sin of the sin that is being caused, then shouldn't causing a commandment to be fulfilled result in both the reward for the commandment of causing a positive commandment to be fulfilled plus the reward for the positive commandment she was causing to be fulfilled?

It gave her a terrible headache.

Bernstein began attending prayer services more frequently, praying more fervently, believing more believingly.

Fearing more fearfully.

He walked the mile and a half to synagogue for every Friday night service, every Saturday morning service, every Saturday afternoon service and every Saturday evening service. He attended weekday morning services every weekday morning, and weekday evening services every weekday evening.

He became president of the synagogue.

Blessed is he who helps in the construction of a synagogue.

She used nonkosher wine for Kiddush. She put milk in his coffee after serving him meat. She put pork in the chulent. She put bacon bits in his salad, and told him they were imitation.

"Those who eat the flesh of pigs and rats and other abominable things, they will meet their end together," declares the Lord.

He hung a large framed picture of the Lubavitcher Rebbe in his living room, which Mrs. Bernstein moved to the basement, which Bernstein moved back into the dining room.

Blessed is he who surrounds himself with the righteous.

(Bernstein figured he got himself a double-word score on that one, as he had surrounded himself with the righteous twice with just one picture.)

She set the alarm clock for Saturday morning. In his foggy half-sleep he would reach over and shut it off. Bam, Fourth Commandment.

Anyone who desecrates the Sabbath must surely be put to death.

The fool. He'd have to hang a hundred rabbi pictures around the house just to break even!

Bernstein began slaughtering his own chickens because he didn't trust his butcher.

He began cooking his own food because he didn't trust his wife.

He wore his tsitsit out, his beard long and his peyis curly. He purchased a black, wide-brimmed fur-felt Italian handmade Borsalino hat, for which he laid out a cool $365.

Blessed is he who spends his money on fulfilling God's commandments.

Mrs. Bernstein didn't buy herself a new hat. She wore the same frayed beret to synagogue that she'd worn for years.

They rarely spoke — even in the few odd moments when Bernstein wasn't at synagogue, doing charity work, praying or studying the Talmudic intricacies of who is liable to pay for damages if one man's bull gores another's (it depends who owns the field).

They lived opposite lives in opposite worlds.

One Friday night, after singing the grace after meals and reading the parsha of the week and saying the Shema Before Bedtime and kissing his tzitzit and touching them to his eyes and kissing them again and saying the Prayer Upon Sleeping and climbing into bed, Bernstein rolled over and tapped his wife on her shoulder.

"Blessed is he who obeys God's command to be fruitful and multiply," he whispered gently in her ear.

Mrs. Bernstein stared silently at the doorway. "I want a divorce," she finally said.

There was a long silence.

Mrs. Bernstein sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed.

" 'I hate divorce,' says the Lord God of Israel," threatened Bernstein. "So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith!"

Beneath her robe Mrs. Bernstein wore her pink sweater set and white Reeboks. She stood up, let the robe drop from her shoulders and picked up her car keys.

"The husband will be innocent of any wrongdoing!" shouted Bernstein. "But the woman will bear the consequences of her sin!"

These are the things Mrs. Bernstein carried in the tan leather valise she kept under her bed in the hope she would someday find the courage to leave her husband in the middle of the night: two pairs of black tights, the red silk nightie, her jeans, a makeup bag, a pack of cigarettes, the spring fashion issue of Vogue and a bathing suit.

Because you never know.

Copyright © 2005 by Shalom Auslander

Table of Contents


The War of the Bernsteins

Bobo the Self-Hating Chimp

Somebody Up There Likes You

Heimish Knows All

Holocaust Tips for Kids

Waiting for Joe

Startling Revelations from the Lost Book

of Stan

One Death to Go

The Metamorphosis

Prophet's Dilemma

They're All the Same

Smite the Heathens, Charlie Brown

God Is a Big Happy Chicken

It Ain't Easy Bein' Supremey

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Beware of God: Stories 4.3 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 16 reviews.
chuewyc on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
I liked this book and i can't really tell you why. Very short stories mostly from a jewish perspective. Homourous and odd.
suesbooks on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
Tedious stories by an author very angry at Judaism. His Holocaust story was quite offensive. I prefer his non-fiction writing.
sdho on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
Hilarious, insightful, and sometimes just strange, this was a pleasure to read. I've insisted on reading several of the stories aloud, my personal favorite being "Waiting for Joe" (which I first heard read on This American Life). Highly recommend)
jorgearanda on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
Hilarious, biting stories on religious angst and the theologically absurd. Here, God is a hitman, a huge Chicken, or an insecure and attention-seeking bully. Pet hamsters pray for the generosity of their Provider, and the Bible turns out to be ancient beach-reading fiction. Simply fabulous.
gregtmills on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
It's one thing to believe the message. It's another to worship the creed. Here's a collection of short, stark and funny parables about the futility of trying to find a short cut to the bosom of Abraham.These are characters trapped in cul de sacs of legalistic fretting, and the god protrayed here in the one that would have to exist to make all this theological manuvering something other than absurd and pointless -- a smug CEO, frustrated with his penny-ante creations and bound by his own legalistic mind.It's a funny book, a ding on the vanities and motivations of hyperobservant followers everywhere. Not just Orthodox Jews.
rivkat on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
A bunch of short stories about Orthodox Judaism, male angst over sex, male angst over the existence of God, etc., told in absurdist fashion (e.g., two hamsters debate the existence of God, who for them is the guy who puts the apples in their cage and takes out the crap; a devout teen wakes up, a la Gregor Samsa, as a goy). I wasn¿t impressed, though there was a story that captured really well the experience, which I think is fairly common among preadolescent American Jews, of overdosing on information about the Holocaust: trying to make sense of this thing that happened that is essentially unimaginable and yet real. Trying to make sense of the fact that six million people were killed for being just like you; that the people who killed them would like to have killed you; that people in your family were killed; that most other people in the world who heard about it didn¿t much care. Planning for what you¿d do if it started to happen here; wondering which of the non-Jews you know would shelter you, or at least not betray you; meanwhile also doing homework and playing soccer and everything else that a preadolescent middle- or upper-class American kid does. It¿s a weird mental state; why shouldn¿t we be neurotic?
jennyo on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
This is a short, unusual, and pretty funny collection of short stories by Shalom Auslander, who was raised as an Orthodox Jew. From the titles alone, you can probably see that he's a little conflicted in his belief, titles like: Holocaust Tips for Kids, Startling Revelations from the Lost Book of Stan, Prophet's Dilemma, and It Ain't Easy Bein' Supremey.There's a story where a woman goes through the spiritual mathematics of purposely causing her husband to sin: "Sin selection became critical: she had to make sure that nothing she was doing to cause him to sin was actually costing her more points than his resultant sin would end up costing him..."There's one where an ape suddenly receives enlightenment and doesn't quite know what to do with it.There's one where a man discovers some ancient tablets with the words of the Bible on them; it's just that there's this one paragraph that's missing on all the other ancient tablets...There's one where a young Jewish man goes to sleep and wakes up as a large, blond, goy (more than a little Kafkaesque).And several more. I don't know that Auslander is going to be struck down any time soon, but I did have a little trouble with God using the F-word. Still. It was a very interesting book, and reminded me of Chris Moore's Lamb in its questioning of certain expressions and requirements of organized religion.I'd definitely recommend it for those not easily offended.Some of my favorite quotes: "Surely, Bloom reasoned, if God wanted to kill him, God could kill him. Then again, if God wanted him dead, why the Volvo? If death is predetermined, wouldn't automobile purchases be predetermined? Didn't the Volvo--the prudence, the zero percent financing--didn't they all collectively prove that someone up there liked Bloom?" "The harsh reality was this: God was skewing old. And white. Of course, it was a difficult market. His numbers were through the mosque's roof in the East, but in the West, God was in the toilet. As chart A clearly showed, there had been a short spike in His awareness levels immediately following 9/11, but it had been a nearly continuous freefall ever since--and even back then, His awareness was skewing negative." "'Yes, yes,' said Rabbi Teitelbaum. 'The Google knows many things.'"
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
He knows his Jewish history and traditions, and these stories build on that from an irreverent and laugh-out-loud humor-- cynicism, with just a suspicion of belief. Very funny stories!!
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Ranger_Rob More than 1 year ago
Each essay in this collection is better than the last. Auslander combines humor, dogma and gestalt and produces some of my favorite original thoughts. From Bobo, the chimp who crossed over to human-like conscience this morning to Donut and Danish, hamsters who debate the exsistance of their owner's loving kindness, this delivers again and again.
StaciaBlue More than 1 year ago
I read "Foreskin's Lament" before reading this one, and Auslander immediately became one of my favorite authors. "Beware of God" is just as great. Funny, clever, sarcastic, witty, and just smart. Probably shouldn't be too serious about religion before jumping into this one.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Guest More than 1 year ago
The author has an amazing amount of creativity I don't think I have read any Jewish themed short stories like these! The stories are terrificly bizarre. Due to occassional graphic language, this book is suitable for those over 18. The only reason I am giving 4 stars instead of 5 is that this book is a quick read and I polished the book off in one long leisurely afternoon.