Everyone Communicates, Few Connect: What the Most Effective People Do Differently

Everyone Communicates, Few Connect: What the Most Effective People Do Differently

by John C. Maxwell


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World-renowned leadership expert John C. Maxwell says if you want to succeed, you must learn how to connect with people. And while it may seem like some folks are just born with it, the fact is anyone can learn how to make every communication an opportunity for a powerful connection. In Everyone Communicates, Few Connect, Maxwell shares the Five Principles and Five Practices to develop the crucial skill of connecting, including.

Finding Common ground

Keeping your communication simple

Capturing people's interest

Inspiring people

Staying authentic in all

Your relationships

The ability to connect with others is a major determining factor in reaching your full potential. It's no secret! Connecting is a skill you can learn and apply in your personal, professional, and family relationships-and you can start now!

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780785214250
Publisher: HarperCollins Leadership
Publication date: 03/28/2010
Pages: 262
Sales rank: 51,813
Product dimensions: 6.20(w) x 9.10(h) x 1.10(d)

About the Author

John C. Maxwell is a #1 New York Times bestselling author, coach, and speaker who has sold more than 31 million books in fifty languages. He has been identified as the #1 leader in business by the American Management Association® and the most influential leadership expert in the world by Business Insider and Inc. magazine. He is the founder of The John Maxwell Company, The John Maxwell Team, EQUIP, and the John Maxwell Leadership Foundation, organizations that have trained millions of leaders from every country of the world. A recipient of the Horatio Alger Award, as well as the Mother Teresa Prize for Global Peace and Leadership from the Luminary Leadership Network, Dr. Maxwell speaks each year to Fortune 500 companies, presidents of nations, and many of the world’s top business leaders. He can be followed at Twitter.com/JohnCMaxwell. For more information about him visit JohnMaxwell.com.

Read an Excerpt



Thomas Nelson

Copyright © 2010 John C. Maxwell
All right reserved.

ISBN: 978-0-7852-1425-0

Chapter One

Connecting Increases Your Influence In Every Situation

According to experts, we are bombarded with thirty-five thousand messages a day. Everywhere we go, everywhere we look, someone is trying to get our attention. Every politician, advertiser, journalist, family member, and acquaintance has something to say to us. Every day we are faced with e-mails, text messages, billboards, television, movies, radio, Twitter, Facebook, and blogs. Add to these newspapers, magazines, and books. Our world is cluttered with words. How do we choose which messages to tune in and which ones to tune out?

At the same time, we also have messages we want to get across to others. I've read that, on average, most people speak about sixteen thousand words a day. If you transcribed those words, they'd fill a three-hundred-page book every week. At the end of a year, you would have an entire bookcase full of words. In a lifetime, you'd fill a library. But how many of your words would matter? How many would make a difference? How many would get through to others?

Talk is easy. Everybody talks. The question is, how can you make your words count?

How can you really communicate with others?

Connecting Can Make You or Break You

People cannot succeed in life without communicating effectively. It's not enough just to work hard. It's not enough to do a great job. To be successful, you need to learn how to really communicate with others.

Have you ever gotten frustrated while making a presentation because people just weren't getting it? Have you ever wanted your boss to understand how much value you add to the company so you could get a well-earned raise or promotion? If you have children, have you wanted them to listen so you could help them make good choices? Have you wanted to improve your relationship with a friend or make a positive impact on your community? If you can't find a way to communicate effectively, you won't be able to reach your potential, you won't succeed in the way you desire, and you'll be forever frustrated.

What's the secret? Connecting! After more than forty years of marriage, a long and successful career as a public speaker, decades of leading various organizations, and experience in helping people develop across the United States and in dozens of countries around the world, I can tell you this: if you want to succeed, you must learn how to connect with others.

Connecting Is Key

I am convinced more than ever that good communication and leadership are all about connecting. If you can connect with others at every level-one-on-one, in groups, and with an audience-your relationships are stronger, your sense of community improves, your ability to create teamwork increases, your influence increases, and your productivity skyrockets.

What do I mean when I say "connect"? Connecting is the ability to identify with people and relate to them in a way that increases your influence with them. Why is that important? Because the ability to communicate and connect with others is a major determining factor in reaching your potential. To be successful, you must work with others. And to do that at your absolute best, you must learn to connect.

How much healthier would your relationships be if you excelled at connecting? How would your marriage and family life improve? How much happier would your relationships with friends be? How much better would you be at getting along with your neighbors if you were able to connect with them?

How would being a better connector impact your career? What would happen if you were fantastic at connecting with your coworkers? How would things change at work if you were better able to connect with your boss? According to the Harvard Business Review, "The number one criteria for advancement and promotion for professionals is an ability to communicate effectively." That means connecting! If you learned to connect better, it would change your life!

Connecting Is Crucial for Leaders

I am probably best known for my writing and speaking on leading. If you want to become more productive and influential, learn to become a better leader because everything rises and falls on leadership. And the best leaders are always excellent connectors.

If you're interested in a case study in connecting in the context of leadership, all you have to do is look at the presidents of the United States from the last thirty years. Because every move of those presidents is documented in the press at home and around the world, most people are familiar with them.

Presidential historian Robert Dallek says that successful presidents exhibit five qualities that enable them to achieve things that others don't: vision, pragmatism, consensus building, charisma, and trustworthiness. As leadership and communication consultant John Baldoni points out,

Four of these factors depend heavily upon the ability to communicate on multiple levels. Presidents, like all leaders, need to be able to describe where they are going (vision), persuade people to come along with them (consensus), connect on a personal level (charisma), and demonstrate credibility, i.e., do what they say they will do (trust). Even pragmatism depends on communications ... So in a very real sense, leadership effectiveness, both for presidents and for anyone else in a position of authority, depends to a high degree upon good communication skills.

And what do those communication skills depend on? Connecting!

Set aside your political opinions and biases for a moment and look at the abilities of some past presidents. Consider the differences in connecting skill between Ronald Reagan and Jimmy Carter when they ran against one another. In their final debate on October 28, 1980, Carter came across as cold and impersonal. To every question he was asked, Carter responded with facts and figures. Walter Cronkite described Carter as humorless. Dan Rather called Carter stoic and disengaged. And as Carter made a case to be reelected, he seemed to bounce back and forth between trying to impress people by stating cold facts and trying to make his listeners feel sympathy for him and the burden of his job. At one point he stated, "I alone have had to determine the interest of my country and the involvement of my country," and he stated, "It's a lonely job." He never focused on his audience and their concerns.

In contrast, Reagan was engaged with his audience and even with Carter. Before the debate, Reagan walked over to Carter to shake his hand, which seemed to startle the president. During the debate, when his opponent spoke, Reagan listened and smiled. When it was Reagan's turn to speak, his appeals were often directed to his audience. He wasn't trying to come across as an expert, though he did quote figures and dispute some of Carter's facts. He was trying to connect. Many remember his closing remarks, in which he asked people, "Are you better off than you were four years ago?" Reagan told his audience, "You made this country great." His focus was on the people. There couldn't have been a greater contrast between the Great Communicator and his predecessor.

A similar contrast can be seen between Bill Clinton and his successor, George W. Bush. Clinton took communication to the next level as president. He equaled Reagan's ability to connect one-on-one as well as on camera. When he said, "I feel your pain," most people around the country connected with him. Clinton not only possessed Reagan's connection skills but also added to them a mastery of the interview and talk show formats, which was critical when he ran for election. He seemed never to miss an opportunity to try to connect. So far, no politician has surpassed him in connecting with others.

Bush, on the other hand, seemed to miss nearly every opportunity to connect with people. His one clear moment of connection occurred immediately after September 11, 2001, when he spoke at Ground Zero. After that he usually fumbled and flopped when he tried to speak with others. His inability to connect alienated people and colored everything he did as president.

Communication expert Bert Decker publishes a list every year of the top ten best and worst communicators of the year. Guess who was on the worst communicator list every year during his last term in office? That's right, President George W. Bush. In 2008, Decker wrote about Bush, "Soon after [9/11] he slipped back to the shrugs and smirks, and tangles of syntax and grammar. It perhaps reached a nadir in the response to Katrina. Such is not the communications of a leader. Having so little influence this past year, it is sad to put our president as the #1 worst communicator of 2008."

If you follow politics, you probably have a strong opinion about Jimmy Carter, Ronald Regan, Bill Clinton, and George W. Bush. You can say what you will-either positive or negative-about their character, philosophy, or policies. But their effectiveness as leaders was definitely impacted by their ability or inability to connect.

Connecting is crucial whether you're trying to lead a child or a nation. President Gerald Ford once remarked, "If I went back to college again, I'd concentrate on two areas: learning to write and to speak before an audience. Nothing in life is more important than the ability to communicate effectively." Talent isn't enough. Experience isn't enough. To lead others, you must be able to communicate well, and connecting is key.

Connecting Helps in Every Area of Life

Of course, connecting isn't just for leaders. It's for anyone who desires to be more effective at what he or she does or enjoy better relationships. I received many comments from people on my blog, JohnMaxwellOnLeadership.com, affirming this.

I heard from business people such as Tom Martin, who described the importance of connection in his work. "To connect is to join, but to make a connection there has to be rapport," wrote Tom. "This is what I try to help our sales force to see as their role in transitioning a lead into a prospect, a prospect into a customer, and a customer into a client. It is those connected clients who become our greatest advocates to help us grow our business."

I also heard from many teachers and trainers. Exceed Resources trainer and coach Cassandra Washington told me, "In the classroom, I teach that connection is key. Leadership is about connecting with people. Serving customers is about connecting. Raising kids ... connecting." An English as a Second Language teacher, Lindsay Fawcett, wrote that when she was in Hong Kong and mainland China, she noticed that whenever she went to a meeting, there was always a connection time planned before it started, with food and drinks provided so that people could get to know one another. It changed her perspective. "I am one of those people who grew up being able to do 'things' well, but I never understood the idea of connecting. I finally learned to connect with my students, which has helped me become a better teacher."

Jennifer Williams, who had just moved into a new neighborhood, said that she went out of her way to meet new neighbors, talk to them, discover their occupations, and learn the names of their children and pets. As she did, people began to come together. "Wow," one neighbor told her, "until you moved in, we rarely talked, didn't know each other, and would never sit out in the evenings and socialize. Here you've been for less than two months, and you know everyone!" Jennifer says it's because "people want to be made to feel connected and a part of something." I agree, but I also recognize that she is a connector!

When people possess the ability to connect, it makes a huge difference in what they can accomplish. You don't have to be a president or high-profile executive for connecting to add value to you. Connecting is vital for any person who wants to achieve success. It is essential for anyone who wants to build great relationships. You will only be able to reach your potential-regardless of your profession or chosen path-when you learn to connect with other people. Otherwise, you'll be like a nuclear power plant disconnected from the grid. You'll have incredible resources and potential, but you will never be able to put them to use.

The Desire to Connect

I am convinced that nearly anyone can learn to connect with others. Why? Because I learned how to do it. Connecting wasn't something I did naturally. When I was a kid, I wanted to connect with my parents, not just because I loved them but also because I suspected that if I had a good connection with my mother, it might keep me from getting a spanking when I misbehaved.

I also learned that humor could be very valuable for connecting. I remember one time when my older brother, Larry, and I got into trouble and laughter saved me. Usually when we were punished, we were asked to bend over and grab a chair. Then Mom would give us a couple of whacks on the seat of our pants with a pancake spatula. Larry, as the oldest, usually went first, and on this occasion, when Mom gave him the first whack, there was a loud bang, and a puff of smoke emerged from Larry's hind end. The explanation? Larry had a roll of caps stored in his back pocket. Mom just howled. We all ended up laughing, and best of all, I didn't get a spanking that day! For three weeks, I kept caps in my back pockets-just in case.

As I got a little older and entered school, I became aware that some kids connected with the teachers while I didn't. In first grade, Diana Crabtree was the student who connected. In second grade, it was Elaine Mosley, and in third grade, Jeff Ankrom. I could see that the teachers loved those kids. I wanted my teachers to like me too, and I started to wonder what my classmates were doing that I wasn't.

In junior high school, it was the same thing. When I tried out for the basketball team, I made the squad, but I didn't get to start, even though I was a better player than two of the other players who were starters. I could sense an invisible barrier that was keeping me from where I wanted to go. I felt frustrated. I wondered why Coach Neff liked them more than he liked me. What I discovered was that those students had connected with Coach during the previous year, and I hadn't. My lack of connection held me back.

Have you ever experienced similar things? Maybe you are the most skilled person in an area at work, yet you never get promoted. Or you work hard and produce, but others don't seem to appreciate what you do. Or maybe you desire to build relationships with people around you, but they don't seem to listen to you the way they do to others. Or you want to create an effective team-or just become part of a good team-but you are made to feel like an outsider. What's the problem? It's connection. To succeed with other people, you need to be able to connect.

I finally started to learn about connecting in high school. My wife, Margaret, and I started dating then. She was very popular, and there were three other young men besides me who were interested in her. To be honest, she had her doubts about me. I was always trying to impress her, but she was suspicious whenever I lavished compliments on her. "Hmph," she'd say. "How can you say that? You don't even know me that well!"

How did I stay in the game? I decided to connect with her mother! Once I won over Margaret's mother, I gained some time to win over Margaret. And whenever I did something stupid, which I must admit was too often, Margaret's mother would defend me. It helped me to win Margaret's confidence and, years later, her hand in marriage.


Excerpted from EVERYONE COMMUNICATES, FEW CONNECT by JOHN C. MAXWELL Copyright © 2010 by John C. Maxwell. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments ix

Prologue xi

Part I Connecting Principles

1 Connecting Increases Your Influence in Every Situation 1

2 Connecting Is All About Others 22

3 Connecting Goes Beyond Words 47

4 Connecting Always Requires Energy 72

5 Connecting Is More Skill Than Natural Talent 96

Part II Connecting Practices

6 Connectors Connect on Common Ground 123

7 Connectors Do the Difficult Work of Keeping It Simple 149

8 Connectors Create an Experience Everyone Enjoys 171

9 Connectors Inspire People 199

10 Connectors Live What They Communicate 229

Conclusion 248

Contributors to JohnMaxwellonLeadership.com 251

Notes 255

About the Author 262

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Everyone Communicates, Few Connect 4 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 94 reviews.
mkaske1 More than 1 year ago
I was lucky to be able to get a copy of this book to read and review through the Tomas Nelson Book Sneeze program that allows me to get free copies of books to read and review. I love to read books, but there are many times when you read a book cover to cover and maybe pull an idea or two from it. Rare is it that every page contains an idea, quote, thought or practical application that you can take and apply to those around you. This book is like a mater's program on getting the most out of your life. It is not something that you can just zip through, but in order for this to be effective, you need to 'marinate' on the ideas that are jammed between the covers and start applying the ideas one at a time. There are many books about getting better about a specific area of your life, or moving up in your career, but I don't know if I have read a book like this that applied to virtually every part of my life. This book isn't just a 'How to' manual, it lays out practical concepts and then backs them up by examples and quotes from influential people. However, the most effective part however is they 'real life' stories and thoughts that are shared by common people like you and me that help make these concepts more real. I could attempt to list out all of the great concepts and talk about how much more effective you will be at your professional and personal relationships, how your outlook on these relationships will change and if you take these concepts to heart it will require a ton of work but your life will be better for it, but I won't do that. I will just say, you should get a copy and read it. And then start to apply some of these principles and watch things start to come together.
patsyc More than 1 year ago
Having taught elementary school for 30 years, I would have said that I know all about communicating with people. However, upon retiring I found myself interacting with adults. I had not really given much thought to connecting with people. I choose John Maxwell's, Everyone Communicates Few Connect a couple years ago, and found it to be an outstanding book on connecting with people. I read the book then got involved with some other projects. Since then I came back to the book and picked it back up again. I had underlined the things that stood out as I read the book. Now I have read it twice. Mr Maxwell quotes Dan, "People with charisma possess an outward focus instead of an inward one. They pay attention to other people, and they desire to add value to them." Whether you wish to learn to connect on a personal level or with larger audiences Mr. Maxwell has much to offer. Not only do you learn about connecting with others you will also learn about yourself. Thank you Mr. Maxwell for helping me to think through my connecting skills. And yes I do think this book has helped me add value to my life. Want to add value to your life, pick up a copy today.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Jcglanzer More than 1 year ago
I am a big fan of any John Maxwell book. I love his stories, his one liners, and I love he states thoughts easily so you can remember them. I will first start by talking about the negative in this book. I felt like it became a little redundant os some of his other books. He kind of went over similar things before but in a different way. Thats my only negative.. Here are some of the positives. He constantly challenges and brings to life great questions. Am I a good communicator and if not, then why. We work in the ministry and we are constantly working with leaders and people; we are trying to inspire and this book helps develop a better avenue for that. I think that this world is often really bad at communicating and connecting. We need need to become better at it and this book helps to develop that. * Do you care for me? * Can you help me? * Can I trust you? * What do you dream about? * What do you sing about? * What do you cry about? Good communication is about being a good listener and we need to become better at that..Highly recommend this book.
StephenBarkley on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
Maxwell's latest leadership book offers readers five principles and five practices to help them connect with the people they're speaking with. At the end of each chapter, he takes time to apply the principle/practice to a one-on-one, small group, and public speaking setting.The most interesting idea behind book was his crowd-sourcing technique. He took a page out of the wiki world and posted each chapter online to grab blog comment data which he worked into the final manuscript. The people on the cover all contributed to the book. There's also a comprehensive 4 page small-font list at the end.That's where the interesting ends.If you've read a Maxwell book before, you know what to expect. Each page contains one or two pithy headings followed by a string of quotes that was sourced by his ghostwriter. Maxwell is proud of these quotes: "I love quotations. I believe, as British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli said, 'The wisdom of the wise and the experiences of the ages may be preserved by quotations'." Now I love a good quote (thus my series of Weekend Wisdom posts) but when your entire book based on strings of quotes, the knockout power of a good saying degenerates into a flurry of uneventful jabs.If you've never read a Maxwell book, give him a try. This is as good as any of them. If you've read him before, there's nothing new here."No one can connect with everybody. It doesn't matter how hard you work at it. Though I strive to be an effective communicator, I know there are people I leave cold when I talk." Too true.Disclaimer: I received this book for free as a member of Thomas Nelson¿s Booksneeze program.
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Glad I read it
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