Never Pass a Bathroom, Never Waste a Hard On, and Never Trust a Fart

"Nobody told me any of this. That is why I am writing it down."

At seventy-three, after a marriage of forty-six years, one poorly-timed incident on a motorway, an investment that evaporated in 1993, a bad painting on the wall, and more missed Tuesdays than he cares to count, an old man sits down to write the letter he wishes someone had written to him.

It begins with three rules. They are blunt. They are specific. They are, as it turns out, about the whole of it.

Never pass a bathroom

Never was...