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Speaking in Code
You know those little disclaimers on the sides of cigarettes and alcohol? Well, if your next date came with a warning label, it would contain the following information down the side of his leg. This is the common language of girlfriends who've been there.
"We don't see
things as they are,
we see them as we are."
- Anaïs Nin
If you change suitors so fast that they rarely achieve name status, a man must be around for at least six weeks before you make your friends bother to learn his first name. Until such time, he should be referred to by this generic title.
For Women Who:
Need to explain to numerous people what's going on in their love life,
Are between the ages of sixteen and twenty-one or over twenty-seven,
Have overbearing mothers and aunts in their life, Have called off more than one engagement.
As a Modifier: "It's been two months now; I think the boy has reached name status: His name is Dick, and I'm pretty sure he isn't one."
MR. RIGHT NOW
This is the guy friend of yours who doesn't have a real job, and is always ready and available when you want to party till dawn, and do things you wish you didn't remember in the morning. He's not "Mr. Right," but he may be good enough to be "Mr. Right Now."
When to Retire Him:
Immediately after college,
When you're not so afraid of a real man,
When he asks you for cab fare home,
After a particularly lonely holiday season.
As an Excuse: "It's not that I'm afraid of a committed relationship; at the moment all I need is to find a new keg and to pull Mr. Right Now out from underneath the empty one."
THE [fill in the blank] GUY
When you've just met a man and know little to nothing about him but you need to identify him during girl talk, so you use one example of who he is, something he has, or what he does, and he becomes... that guy.
Best Types of References:
The kind of car he drives (The Camaro Guy),
His occupation (The Personal Trainer Guy),
Where you met him (The Four a.m. in the Taxi Guy),
The way in which he behaved in the morning if you've already woken up with him (The Cuddle Guy,
The Bad Breath Guy, The Up and Run Guy, etc.).
As an Object: "He's the guy that slipped the maître d' twenty dollars for the table, spoke to the waitress like a human, and never had to use his napkin through all of dinner-you know, the Good Manners Guy."
THE TAKE-HOME PROJECT
When you feel like ignoring some larger issues in your own life, so you invest in a fixer-upper guy-who will cost you nothing but time, money, energy, and happiness. Inevitably, you learn that someone else has recouped his resale value.
Hello! You Will Never:
Fix him to your liking,
Change anything but the window dressing,
Turn him into the guy who got away,
Build the bionic man (...Farrah tried and she couldn't do it, even with all that hair).
As a Reminder: "Forget him, he can't even dress himself and you don't have the patience for a take-home project."
This is a polite title for that 35-45-year-old man who dates 19-25-year-old women. Having one always seems so original (and economical) at first, because he takes you to many more exciting places than guys your own age do and, of course, he pays for everything. (But don't think you invented this: In the old days they just called him a Sugar Daddy.)
Things to Look Out for:
The fact that you're a grown man's Barbie doll,
That anyone who can hang out with someone who's fifteen years younger than him is a loser.
As a Reprimand: "No, he's not my father... he's my benefactor; and who cares if he's bald, he pays!"
The guy you go out in public with and agree to hold hands with, kiss, hug, sit on the same side of the booth with, or show any other Public Display of Affection, before determining boyfriend status.
Your friends to abuse you,
Your feelings for him to escalate unrealistically,
One person to suspect the other likes him or her too much too soon,
An inappropriate use of the boyfriend title or "I love you" phrase.
As an Error: "So there's me and P.D.A. boy making out in the pizza place, and in walks my boss: Kill me now."
A WELCOME MAT
This is what your friends call you when you keep taking back the guy who only comes a-knockin' on your door for one thing: sex, drugs, or rock 'n' roll. (We could have just called you a doormat, but you're always so damn friendly when he shows up.)
When Did You Decide:
To act like AstroTurf?
That he's so much better than you are?
That you didn't need therapy anymore?
That the girl who tortured you in grammar school was right?
As a Wake-Up Call: "Yeah, I'm sure he meant to call you, because everyone wants to check in on a welcome mat after they tread on it."
After you or your man has told the other to get lost and you keep finding each other at events of mutual interest. If you tossed him, he's the luggage, and what's required is a game of ditch. If he tossed you, then you're the luggage, and this is a game of looking as though you're having a good time without him.
Necessary Requirements: At least one ally to help you ditch or save face,
A mineral water because alcohol will kill you here,
A good seat for viewing or hiding,
A ladies' room to escape to if the game gets too intense.
As a Plea to God: "I must have 'Samsonite Customer Service' stamped right on my forehead, because I cannot lose this luggage for the life of me."
Copyright (c) 2001 by Diane Farr