Library Journal
Steen, Joanne. We Regret To Inform You: A Survival Guide for Gold Star Parents and Those Who Support Them. Central Recovery.
Using her own experience as a military widow as well as the voices of other parents, counselor Steen (founder, Grief Solutions) presents coping techniques and tips to deal with the unique challenges that come with losing a son or daughter in the service. The author points out that such grief has a long shelf life, and that images and symbols of our country (e.g., the flag) are personal reminders of their loss. Steen assists not only Gold Star families but also friends and extended family members when discussing what to say at the funeral, helping in practical ways after a funeral, and support through the long haul. VERDICT A heart-wrenching yet practical, positive look at a somewhat hidden issue.
We Regret to Inform You helps fill the void in grief resources on military loss for surviving parents of our fallen service members. Parents will find not only reliable guidance for coping with the life-changing loss of their son or daughter in military service, but also the validation that their child’s service to country mattered, is deeply appreciated, and will not be forgotten. All who served and died because of that service will be remembered.—General Glenn M. Walters US Marine Corps (Ret)
Even fifteen years after my son was killed, I found the book resonated with me and shed new light on surviving, adjusting, and moving forward after his death. We Regret to Inform You is the only book of its kind for bereaved parents of military service members, providing us with information about the military and grieving process, and illuminating for us the path of our journey. It is well researched and written, thorough in scope, organized for easy use, and written in language that is readily understood.—Betsy Beard Gold Star Mother of SPC Bradley Beard, US Army Editor, TAPS Magazine (2008-2015)
Joanne Steen offers us a glimpse of how life changes suddenly, permanently, and immeasurably when parents lose a child in the service of their country. From the vantage point of her own personal grief, Joanne tells a powerful story that deserves to be told about sacrifice that needs to be understood.—General Martin E. Dempsey US Army (Ret)
After our son was killed while serving in Pakistan, I searched for books on the loss of a child. Many focused on losing a young child, some focused on losing your child to suicide, but there were none that dealt with the military death of one’s son or daughter. After reading several of those books, I still felt like there were pieces of my grief puzzle that were missing. We Regret to Inform You put into words and validated those missing pieces. It helped my husband and me to understand the unique circumstances of a military death. And that we not only lost our son but also our connection with the military community, with the soldiers who were his ‘brothers’ and ‘sisters’ in arms. Joanne’s clear descriptions helped me understand the emotions I was feeling. Joanne Steen supplies the answers and understanding that those other grief books did not have. Thank you!—Nancy Stets Proud Gold Star Mom of SSG Mark A. Stets Jr, US Army
I wish I had this book soon after my military son, US Marine Sgt. Thomas R. Bagosy completed suicide. Tommy was my second son, age twenty-five, a combat veteran of two deployments to Iraq 2006/07 and Afghanistan 2009. He died on May 10, 2010 while on active duty at Camp Lejeune, NC. Every word in We Regret to Inform You applies to the grief experienced by my family and me. The Tips for Surviving Fathers was especially helpful in that men have to contend with years of ingrained conditioning for dealing with grief. We have been conditioned to not show emotion or cry. I only wish I had the details of what to expect that I found in this book.—Bob Bagosy Proud Gold Star Father of Sgt. Thomas R. Bagosy, US Marine Corps Semper Fi Tommy!
Joanne Steen’s We Regret to Inform You is a consoling gift and a compassionate guide to Gold Star families surviving the loss of a child in a military setting. Families will find useful information and support as they begin their journey with grief.—Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, the Graduate School of The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, the Hospice Foundation of America
We Regret To Inform You is a comprehensive, yet practical guide to understanding and coping with losing a son or daughter in military service. Whether you are a parent grieving your child’s death, a caring friend, or a professional counselor this book will prove an invaluable resource in navigating the complexities of this unimaginable journey.—George Lutz Gold Star Father of Cpl. George “Tony” Lutz, US Army Founder of Honor and Remember, Inc.
Of all the books I’ve recommended to others on grief, this is one of the best. Ms. Steen artfully weaves her knowledge of grief into each chapter in a way that helps Gold Star parents feel understood and validated. We Regret to Inform You is an important contribution that poignantly steps the reader through all aspects of the grief journey, providing hope and promise for better days. Steen quotes a number of bereaved parents throughout the book in a way that is compassionate and at the same time pragmatic. Explaining what to expect and how to respond to the challenges of military loss, this book is not only for those who are bereaved but for anyone supporting this type of loss.—Patti Anewalt, PhD, LPC, FT Director of Pathways Center for Grief & Loss Hospice & Community Care
In my more than thirty years as a grief counselor, author, and educator, I have learned there is a profound need for compassionate and focused care provided to Gold Star parents. A military widow herself, Joanne Steen brings her incredible empathy and intelligence to these pages and helps fill this need. We Regret to Inform You weaves together real voices and practical guidance, and is a necessary read for those affected as well as their family, friends, and professional caregivers.—Alan Wolfelt, PhD, CT Center for Loss and Life Transition
We Regret to Inform You is one of the best books I’ve seen to date to assist Gold Star parents in grappling with the pain of the loss of their daughter or son. Joanne’s writing style is the same as being with her in person: compassionate, warm, and engaging. The book has numerous quotes from Gold Star parents interspersed throughout it to let them know that however they lost their child—regardless of age, whether in combat, a training accident, a reserve drill weekend activity, or suicide—they are not alone. I strongly recommend this book as a guide for the parents and also as a ‘quick reach’ reference book for military chaplains and civilian clergy who walk the hard path of being with a Gold Star parent.—*Fr. William D. Razz Waff, DMin, BCC Major General, US Army (Ret) Executive Director, Military Chaplains Association *The above comments do not represent an endorsement by the Department of Defense, the Department of the Army, or the Military Chaplains Association.
As a former Chief of Naval Personnel who had the honor and challenge of leading the Navy’s team supporting families whose service member was killed in the terrorist attacks on the USS Cole in 2000 and the 9/11 attack on the Pentagon, I wish I’d been able to share Joanne Steen’s remarkable book We Regret To Inform You with not only my team, but also the parents of all who were killed. Quite simply, I know of no one more knowledgeable than Ms. Steen on how to help parents, spouses, and family members work through the traumatic loss of their service member. This is a must have book for all in key leadership positions, too.—Vice Admiral Norbert Ryan US Navy (Ret)
This book is a wonderful resource for parents grieving the death of their child who served in the military. Joanne compassionately covers the impact that military deaths have on parents and normalizes grief as a prolonged journey. She provides insight on first surviving the death of an adult child and then eventually moving forward in a healthy way.—Gregory Inman, PhD Clinical psychologist
We Regret to inform You by Joanne Steen is a clear and concise guide for navigating the complexity surrounding the death of a son or daughter in the military. It also provides an essential direction for understanding the grief and dismay felt by the parents in these sudden and unimaginable times. As a former Air Force officer and Fire Service professional, I have lost several friends and colleagues to Line of Duty Deaths. Joanne’s book prompted me to take a step back and evaluate my own actions while attempting to help those parents during the worst days of their lives. Her counsel is simple and direct: Lessons learned from more than twenty years of working with grieving parents.—Robert R. Rielage, former Fire Marshal, State of Ohio
