You Suck

You Suck

by Christopher Moore


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Being undead sucks. Literally.

Just ask C. Thomas Flood. Waking up after a fantastic night unlike anything he's ever experienced, he discovers that his girlfriend, Jody, is a vampire. And surprise! Now he's one, too. For some couples, the whole biting-and-blood thing would have been a deal breaker. But Tommy and Jody are in love, and they vow to work through their issues.

But word has it that the vampire who initially nibbled on Jody wasn't supposed to be recruiting. Even worse, Tommy's erstwhile turkey-bowling pals are out to get him, at the urging of a blue-dyed Las Vegas call girl named (duh) Blue.

And that really sucks.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780060590307
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date: 01/08/2008
Series: Bloodsucking Fiends Series , #2
Edition description: Reprint
Pages: 352
Sales rank: 337,974
Product dimensions: 5.31(w) x 8.00(h) x 0.79(d)

About the Author

Christopher Moore is the author of the novels Secondhand Souls, Sacré Bleu, A Dirty Job, and Lamb. He lives in San Francisco, California.


Hawaii and San Francisco, California

Date of Birth:

August 5, 1958

Place of Birth:

Toledo, Ohio

Read an Excerpt

You Suck

A Love Story
By Christopher Moore

William Morrow

Copyright © 2007 Christopher Moore
All right reserved.

Chapter One

Get Over It, a Lot of People Are Dead

"You bitch, you killed me! You suck!"

Tommy had just awakened for the first time as a vampire. He was nineteen, thin, and had spent his entire life between states of amazement and confusion.

"I wanted us to be together." Jody: pale, pretty, long red hair hanging in her face, cute swoop of a nose in search of a lost spray of freckles, a big lipstick-smeared grin. She'd only been undead herself for a couple of months, and was still learning to be spooky.

"Yeah, that's why you spent the night with him." Tommy pointed across the loft to the life-sized bronze statue of a man in a tattered suit. Inside the bronze shell was the ancient vampire who had turned Jody. Another bronze of Jody stood next to him. When the two of them had gone out at sunrise, into the sleep of the dead, Tommy had taken them to the sculptors who lived on the ground floor of his building and had the vampires bronzed. He'd thought it would give him time to think of what to do, and keep Jody from running off with the old vampire. Tommy's mistake had been drilling ear holes in Jody's sculpture so she could hear him. Somehow, during the night, before the bronzing, the old vampire had taught her to turn to mist, and she'd streamed out of the ear holes into the room, and-well-here they were: dead, in love, and angry.

"I needed toknow about what I am, Tommy. Who else was going to tell me if not him?"

"Yeah, but you should have asked me before you did this," Tommy said. "You shouldn't just kill a guy without asking. It's inconsiderate." Tommy was from Indiana, and his mother had raised him to have good manners and to be considerate of other people's feelings.

"You had sex with me while I was unconscious," Jody said.

"That's not the same," Tommy said. "I was just being friendly, like when you put a quarter in someone else's parking meter when they aren't there-you know they appreciate it later, even if they don't thank you personally."

"Yeah, wait until you go out in your jammies and wake up all sticky in a cheerleader outfit and see how grateful you are. You know, Tommy, when I'm out, technically, I'm dead. Guess what that makes you?"

"Well-uh-yeah, but you're not even human. You're just some foul dead thing." Tommy immediately regretted saying it. It was hurtful and mean, and although Jody was, indeed, dead, he didn't find her foul at all-in fact, he was pretty sure he was in love with her, he was just a little embarrassed about the whole necrophilia/cheerleader thing. Back in the Midwest people didn't mention that sort of thing unless a dog dug up a pom-pom in some guy's backyard and the police eventually discovered the whole human pyramid buried under the swing set.

Jody sniffled, completely for effect. Actually she was relieved that Tommy was now on the defensive. "Well, welcome to the Foul, Dead Thing Club, Mr. Flood."

"Yeah, you drank my blood," Tommy said. "A lot."

Damn, she should have pretended to cry. "You let me."

"Again, being considerate," Tommy said. He stood up and shrugged.

"You just let me because of the sex."

"That's not true, it was because you needed me." He was lying, it was because of the sex.

"Yes, I did," Jody said. "I still do." She held her arms out to him. "I really do."

He walked into her arms and held her. She felt amazing to him, even more amazing than she had before. It was as if his nerves had been dialed up to eleven. "Okay, it was because of the sex."

Great, she thought, in control once again. She kissed his neck. "How do you feel about it now?"

"Maybe in a minute, I'm starving." He let go of her and stormed across the loft to the kitchen, where he pulled a burrito out of the freezer, threw it into the microwave, and hit the button, all in one smooth motion.

"You don't want to eat that," Jody said.

"Nonsense, it smells great. It's like every little bean and pork piece is sending out its own delicious miasma of flavor vapor." Tommy used words like "miasma" because he wanted to be a writer. That's why he'd come to San Francisco in the first place-to take life in big bites and write about it. Oh, and to find a girlfriend.

"Put the burrito down, and back away, Tommy," Jody said. "I don't want you to get hurt."

"Ha, that's cute." He took a big bite and grinned at her as he chewed.

Five minutes later, because she felt responsible, Jody was helping him clean bits of masticated burrito off the kitchen wall and the front of the refrigerator. "It's like every bean was storming the gates of repressive digestion to escape."

"Yeah, well, being refried will do that to you," Jody said, stroking his hair. "You okay?"

"I'm starving. I need to eat."

"Not so much eat," Jody said.

"Oh my God! It's the hunger. I feel like my insides are caving in on themselves. You should have told me about this."

She knew how he felt-actually, she had felt worse when it happened to her. At least he knew what was happening to him. "Yeah, sweetie, we're going to have to make a few adjustments."

"Well, what do I do? What did you do?"

"I mostly fed off of you, remember?"

"You should have thought this through before you killed me. I'm fucked."

"We're fucked. Together. Like Romeo and Juliet, only we get to be in a sequel. Very literary, Tommy."

"Oh, that's a comfort. I can't believe you just killed me like that."

"And turned you into a superbeing, thank you very much."

"Oh, crap, there's burrito spooge all over my new sneakers."


Excerpted from You Suck by Christopher Moore Copyright © 2007 by Christopher Moore. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Table of Contents

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You Suck 4.1 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 330 reviews.
KimmyNJ More than 1 year ago
while the book had a great beginning i found myself forcing to read to finally finish it. It just turns boring and really cheesy. The book shouldn't be titled you suck it should be self describing and titled I suck.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Love This Book, That's All Need To Be Said.
Openbooksociety_dot_com More than 1 year ago
A Major Let Down Review brought to you by OBS Staff member Heidi You suck is the second installment of Christopher Moore’s A Love Story series, which is his take on a vampire love story. This series is its own animal; it can be crude and humorous and there is nothing like it that I’ve read. Think vampires meets Janet Evanovich meets a men’s locker room. You Suck starts off with vampire, Jody, and her boyfriend, Tommy, fighting after he wakes up and discovers that she has turned him into a vampire. Now they are faced with the problem of who will run their daytime errands that Tommy can no longer run for them. Not to mention they had told the police they were leaving town and need to find a new place to live. Tommy ends up finding them a minion in the young teenage goth chic, Abby, who wants to be turned into a vampire herself. She finds them an apartment down the street from their old one and everything is going great until Elijah, the vampire that turned Jody, is released from his bronze statue prison and is ready to get his revenge. When I started reading this series, I didn’t think I would like it, but was pleasantly surprised by Moore’s unusual and funny writing style in the first book of the series, Bloodsucking Fiends. Unfortunately, You Suck did not live up to my expectations. I didn’t like how it kept going from what actually was happening when most of the characters were narrating to more of a journal entry when Abby was narrating. I found it very hard to switch between the two styles of narration and it made it hard for me to follow and stay interested in what was actually going on. I found this book to have no real point and found myself rushing through it just to get it done, not really enjoying it at all. There is one more installment to the series, Bite Me, and I haven’t decided if I’m going to read it or not. If I do, it won’t be any time in the near future. This review and more at openbooksociety dot com
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Very interesting and it really pulls you in. You don't want to stop reading :)
BooksAndBeer More than 1 year ago
Vampire books are a penny a bushel these days, and most of them are just atrocious. Somehow, Moore takes the absurdities of the human condition and reflects it so beautifully onto the paranormal life. The characters at first seem to be just a bunch of odd ducks, but on a second and third read, the pieces of archetypes fall away and their voices are brilliant. The dire situations are at once dark and funny. While fearing for a character's safety, a mundane observation will cause the reader to laugh. I love this author for his absurdity and his beautiful writing. So, dead-horse subject matter aside, this series is quite singular.
ReadingQueen12-17 More than 1 year ago
Wasn't as good as the first book, but certainly didn't suck. In "You Suck" the misadventures of San Francisco's urban undead continue when Jody turns her boyfriend Tommy into a vampire and a "nosferatu" sh*t storm is unleashed throughout the city. Most of the characters from the first book return and the story is ripe with what I'm beginning to think is Moore's characteristic wit and caustic humor. Although I was somewhat disappointed with the story's pace, or lack thereof, Moore redeems himself by introducing several absurd new characters who at times had me audibly guffawing. My favorite by far was Abby Normal, a temperamental gothic teenager with a flare for dramatics. Abby spends a good bit of the story staring into dumpsters like they're the "abyss of her despair" and flouting local authorities with such gems as, "Like, duh sergeant ass bag. I happen to speak obvious as a second language." Amazing. In any case, if you've read "Blood Sucking Fiends", I would absolutely recommend "You Suck". Just know that as often happens with sequels, this one does fall mildly short of the glory.
Bookworm14MR More than 1 year ago
For all the teenagers(girls) you must buy You Suck!! You have to check it out!! Such an adorable romance/sorta horror novel. Read it and you will totally understand.
DeDeFlowers More than 1 year ago
This was a fun book, but definitely more forced than the first in the series, Bloodsucking Fiends. I still laughed a lot and enjoyed the story, but some of the humor was a little less organic.
fanoftheweird More than 1 year ago
After reading the first book in this series, I was looking forward to the second one, You Suck. However I thought the plot was very weak. Also the character Abby Normal is annoying. I understand that shes a teenager, obsessed with the gothic image and vampires but reading some chapters through her words was horrible. I had to fight myself to finish this book. Im questioning whether or not to buy the third one, Bite Me. However if you already read the first then i guess you should read this one, i myself like you finish a series all the way through.
wurdnurd More than 1 year ago
Jody, Flood, the Animals and The Emperor are back, bringing on bizarre mayhem to the streets of San Francisco. In this long-awaited sequel to Bloodsucking Fiends, the action is a little more chaotic, the storylines overlap a little more aggressively and the end result is a lot more unexpected. The characters, in turn, are hilarious, aggravating, random and engaging: Blue reminds me of the hyper-aggressive alpha-female seen as Victoria in Meyer's Twilight, or Merteuil Les Liaisons Dangereuses, which is a nice counterpoint to Elijah's ennui, Jody's alpha-compassion, and Flood's bumbling hysteria. Rounding out the cast, Abby's overdramatic narration is a high point, while Jared brings nothing to the party except emo and gay jokes. An awesome read!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
If you need a good laugh this is a great book to pick up. Once again Christopher Moore delivers. If you haven't read his other works I highly encourage you to pick them up. You won't be disappointed.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I highly recommend this book for anyone whose sense of humor has a dark side. If you are a fan of vampire stories, but need a break from the typical this story is for you. As a sequel to the also very entertaining "Blooksucking Fiends" Moore does not disapoint, picking up the story where he left off and dragging you in page by page. It will be very hard for you to put this book down, and for that reason be thankful it is a quick read, even though I found myself wanting more (which is deliverind in the finale to this trilogy). Moore twisted sense of humor shines through delivered through some interesting characters who really star in this novel. Suffice it to say this is not your average vampire book.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This book was a fun easy read. The charectors are funny and they grow on you. Fun over all read.
KrisPA More than 1 year ago
I was seduced by the clever cover art and the description of the book. It seemed like it would be a funny read. And if you like non-stop one-line type of jokes, then it is funny. Personally, I like my humor to be more connected to the characters, not just one zippy sentence after another. Plus, there didn't seem to be a plot, and everyone in the novel is a lunatic. It's just one over-the-top character, situation, joke after another and that is exhausting. I want to be told a story, not hit on the head with a bad stand-up night club comedy act. I got about 50 pages in and couldn't take anymore. I returned it to B&N the next day and got a refund. Yuck.
DrLG More than 1 year ago
You Suck is a really funny, creative and surprising vampire novel. Not like the others! I really enjoyed it. But be careful, it is the SECOND book in a small series so read Bloodsucking Fiends first! My mistake.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I thought I'd get bored with this plot because You Suck follows A Dirty Job and Blood Sucking Fiends, but much to my surprise, I was entertaining through out. A Great Book!
AnnieBook More than 1 year ago
This is the first C. Moore book I've read. I didn't realize it was a sequel until I started but still didn't have a hard time following the characters as he does a decent recap. The characters are hilarious and witty. The story can be hard to follow if you're not paying attention as the narration changes w/ almost every chapter. It's very detailed but never dull. Some parts can be confusing, but are usually explained in the next chapter. If you enjoy vampires, humor, cursing, Emo kids or surprises, you'll love "You Suck". I'll be picking up "Bloodsucking Fiends" to catch up on the back story - "You Suck" seems to leave the door open for a third book.
dalnewt More than 1 year ago
The continuing story of Jody, the hapless redheaded vampire, and Tommy, her minion turned vampire child, is an entertaining mixture of wry wit, slapstick comedy, raunchy humor, quirky characters and wonderfully wacky plot. Jody's desire to share her gift with Tommy complicates the whole feeding/dead at dawn thing requiring a new mortal minion. Enter Abby Normal, a hilarious and mouthy 16 year old goth with a hankering to join the coven. Meanwhile, Tommy's having problems feeding from a huge cat named Chet, and his old stoner crew returns from Los Vegas in the clutches of a comically pathetic and conniving blue dyed hooker. Elijah, the ancient vampire, is loose and bent on revenge; the Emperor of San Francisco is worried and blabbing about bloodsuckers; and, the colluding homicide detectives are watching and waiting. Things spin uproariously out-of-control resulting in very funny and enjoyable book.
Sean_From_OHIO More than 1 year ago
Christopher Moore is unequivocably the funniest author working today. This book, which takes place just seconds after Bloodsucking Fiends, is so great and original. The addition of Abby Normal, possibly the funniest charcater in literature this decade. So good. I would love to read a novel with her as the lead or even more with Jody and Tommy! So, so good!! Moore is an evil genius!
verusha More than 1 year ago
easy reading, funny and sarcastic. not best of c. moore, but still very good.
RainyDay411 More than 1 year ago
This is definitely the funniest book that I have ever read! The characters and plot are so hilarious! I have read this book four times and I still get the same amount of satisfaction that I got from the first time that I read it!! I would definitely recommend this to everyone who wants a good laugh.
Schrute-Farms More than 1 year ago
Christopher Moore has brought the humor back with the gut-busting sequel to BLOODSUCKING FIENDS. It's great to see the endearing and humorous familiar characters from the first book, as well as some interesting new characters. Moore's spin on modern day vampires is enjoyable and refreshing. The little things in this story are extremely memorable and very quotable. YOU SUCK is an extremely funny book that will have you laughing out loud, so please, for the sake of your own dignity, refrain from reading it in public.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
this book was interesting and had a good laugh here and there but at points was dragging and boring, the plot was hard to follow and the overall story jumped around and became too confusing
Florinda on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
I¿d suggest that you read Christopher Moore¿s Bloodsucking Fiends (also subtitled ¿A Love Story¿) before cracking open - or pressing ¿play¿ on - You Suck. You can follow this novel - the middle installment in a trilogy - without it, because there is a fair amount of recapping, but it will probably make more sense if you¿ve read the first book. That is, if a comic saga of modern vampire love in San Francisco is capable of making any sense at all.Nineteen-year-old Midwesterner Tommy Flood¿s efforts to keep his vampire girlfriend Jody Stroud safe by having her bronzed were rather undone by her escaping from her enclosure (in the form of mist) and turning him into her undead consort. Jody hasn¿t been a vampire all that long herself, but she¿s learned enough to show Tommy the ropes, which include finding food sources, never being caught out in the open at sunrise, and dodging Tommy¿s former co-workers on the night crew at Safeway, a couple of homicide detectives, and the ancient vampire who originally turned Jody.Christopher Moore is solidly ensconced on my ¿favorite authors¿ list, especially since I introduced my husband to his books, but it has taken me an embarrassingly long time to get around to reading You Suck - so long that I decided that I¿d try listening to it instead. Having found that humor works in audio for me, I chose this as my first fiction audiobook (and first not read by the author), and I think I made a fine call. While I¿ve been known to laugh out loud while reading Moore¿s books in print, I¿m not sure I¿ve ever laughed as much as I did while listening to You Suck...and I¿m not going to say that¿s because it¿s his funniest book (it might be, but I can¿t really make that distinction). I think it¿s that humor is enhanced by delivery, and it may be that sometimes it¿s delivered more effectively in vocal and visual form than via words on a page. Narrator Susan Bennett does an excellent job with the voice characterizations here, particularly with Tommy, teenage perky-Goth-girl Abby Normal (who narrates portions of the story via her diary), and the homeless Emperor of San Francisco, and handles the narrative portions as the calm voice of reason, no matter how outlandish the situation gets - and with Christopher Moore, outlandish situations are a given.
framberg on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
Elements of this story were entertaining, but it's sure no Lamb. Moore recycles jokes and most of the characters never emerge from caricature. My opinion of this book was probably colored by the fact that I really, really disliked the Audio Book narrator. Some of the voices she created for characters - particularly the lisps - were painful to listen to, and bordered on offensive. My experience with this book won't stop me from reading other Christopher Moore books (though it will stop me from listening to anything read by Susan Bennett!), but I've certainly lowered my expectations.